Do you often have such experiences? When disagreements arise with friends, you always give in and wrong yourself. After conflicts with peers, you take the initiative to make up first, whether you are at fault or not. You just fear ruining the relationship and being talked about behind your back.

These are all true manifestations of people-pleasing behavior., which are manifested in the following situations:

  • Don’t dare to refuse: swallow the words back, for fear of disappointing the other party and being hated.
  • Care too much about other people’s emotions: As soon as others frown, you begin to reflect on what you have done wrong.
  • Take the initiative to seek peace after the conflict: Even if it’s not your fault, you should bow your head first, for fear that the breakdown of the relationship will bring greater hidden dangers.
  • Exchange for a sense of security: think that as long as you make others happy, the relationship will not break up.

Many people were like this when they were young: they didn’t date people they didn’t like, and they would never be the first to seek peace if it was not their own fault. But the older I get, the more I find myself a person who is used to flattering.

But please believe that flattering is not kindness, but fear. Fear of loss, fear of conflict, fear of abandonment. And a real healthy relationship never requires you to keep your head down.

Here are some ways to stop flattering others in relationships:

Establish a “temperature” boundary: from flattering to balance

Setting boundaries is the first step of self-respect. Healthy relationships require equality and respect, not unilateral flattering and compromise.

  • Listen honestly to the voice from the bottom of your heart and identify your own needs

Have you ever felt helpless when you were invited to a friend’s party, and you didn’t want to go, but you couldn’t refuse? When you feel tired, don’t sacrifice yourself to cater to others. Try to say, “I need to rest today. Let’s get together another day.”

By setting clear boundaries, you will reduce your inner anxiety and live more freely, and you will also get more understanding and respect in relationships.

  • Learn to refuse gently and firmly

Refusal is the key to a healthy relationship. Learn to express your needs in simple and friendly language. If you don’t want to sacrifice your time to participate in meaningless activities, you can say, “I have other plans today. Let’s get together next time.”

In this way, you not only maintain your time, but also let the other party know your boundaries. In the end, both sides will respect each other better in the relationship.

Face conflicts bravely: express your true feelings

A healthy relationship requires honesty and communication, rather than wronging yourself to avoid conflicts.

  • Realize that conflict is a part of the relationship

When you are dissatisfied with the distribution of housework, don’t choose to be silent for fear of quarrels. Just say bravely: “I’ve been a little dissatisfied with the allocation of housework recently. Can we discuss how to improve it together?” This will bring great progress.

Learning to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, you can express your needs more clearly, instead of holding back your anger. In this way, the relationship will be more sincere and stable.

  • Avoid excessive compromise and express personal needs

In a relationship, it is very important to maintain personal space and the expression of needs. Many times, we may promise to do what we don’t like to avoid conflicts.

Learn to express your personal needs at the right time, such as: “I want to rest more today. Can we do this activity together another day?” In this way, you not only respect your own needs, but also let the other party know your boundaries.

By setting healthy boundaries, facing conflicts head-on and expressing personal needs, you will gradually get rid of the flattering personality and build a more equal and healthy relationship. True relationships are based on mutual respect and understanding, not unilateral catering.

Today, let’s start with a little exercise: Say “no” to someone once.