I need to confess something first. My 14-year-old daughter lacked confidence for years — I used the wrong methods all along. I thought confidence was something you could praise into someone. I thought if I just told her every day, “You’re great” and “Mom believes in you,” she would eventually believe it herself.
I was wrong.
When my daughter was 12, she signed up for a speech competition. Right before going on stage, she backed out. She came home crying. I said, “How could you do that? You prepared so well.” She locked herself in her room for three days and didn’t speak to me. Only later did I find out that she had cried through her entire lunch break backstage because she felt like she had let everyone down. And at the moment when she needed someone to say “It’s okay,” I gave her a “You shouldn’t have given up.”
Then one day I read a sentence:
“When you say ‘you can do it’ to someone who lacks confidence, what you’re really saying is ‘how you feel right now is wrong.'”
That line stopped me cold. Yes, every time my daughter was scared, I kept denying her feelings. And from the moment I denied them, she stopped telling me her real feelings.
This incident made me rethink a question: what she lacked was not praise, but permission. Permission to say “I’m scared.” Permission to say “I can’t do it.” Confidence is knowing that when I can’t do something, I won’t feel like a piece of garbage.
The three methods below are what I slowly figured out after that. Every single one works.
1. Replace “you should” with “you can”
Before, when she said “I’m scared to go on stage,” I said, “You should practice more.” Now when she says “I’m scared,” I say, “You can be scared. Being scared just means this matters a lot to you.”
Before, when she said “I can’t do it,” I said, “Yes you can.” Now when she says “I can’t do it,” I say, “You can feel like you can’t do it. A lot of people feel that way before they do something hard. Then what? What do you plan to do next?”
When a child discovers that all of her feelings can be held, she no longer needs to push those feelings down. Without pushing them down, she finally has enough emotional energy left to face the thing itself.
2. Ask “what do you need” instead of “why didn’t you”
Before, when she messed something up, I would ask, “Why didn’t you try harder?” These questions did only one thing — they made her feel even worse about herself. Now I ask, “What do you need right now? Do you need me to help, do you need to be alone for a while, or do you need me to just shut up first?”
The first question puts her on trial. The second question tells her: we’re on the same side. Your needs matter. When she’s upset, just say this one sentence: “What do you need me to do?” No analysis. No advice. No encouragement. Just that one sentence. You will find that sometimes she says, “Let me be alone for a bit.” Sometimes she says, “Give me a hug.” You do exactly what she says. And the wall between you starts to break.
3. When she’s most afraid, say out loud the thing she’s afraid of
One time, my daughter had another speech coming up. The night before, she sat on the edge of her bed with her face buried in her hands. I walked over and sat down next to her. I said, “You’re afraid that when you get up there, your mind will go blank. You won’t be able to say anything. And everyone will stare at you.” She looked up at me. That was the first time she didn’t argue against me.
The next day, she went. She didn’t win anything. But she didn’t run away either. After she came back, she said, “I got stuck in the middle for a second. But I remembered what you said. I told myself, ‘Wait, let me think,’ and then I got back on track.”
Whatever she is afraid of — you say that thing out loud. Don’t comfort. Don’t change the subject. Don’t cheer her on.
If you are doing what I used to do back then — praising her like crazy, pushing her to be brave, telling her “you shouldn’t give up” when she pulls back — please stop.
About my 14-year-old daughter’s has no confidence, my biggest realization is this: She needs me to stand next to her and say one sentence: “It’s okay to be scared.” Just that one sentence.
