In the Zoom meeting, the second you share a decent idea, a colleague smirks sarcastically and says: We tried this ages ago, and it’s totally useless. Then he exchanged glances with the person next to him. Your face feels hot and your mind is blank. After the meeting, you realize that you should have said: What did you do at that time? We can improve. Unfortunately, it’s too late.
Or, you post a photo on Instagram, and someone commented: That’s it? You want to fight back, but you are afraid that you will be too serious. If you don’t reply, you’re in a panic.
If you are repeatedly targeted by a mean person, what you want to do is not to become like him, but to manipulate the situation to invalidate his attack and make yourself stand firm again.
But before you do it, see if you have really met a mean person who needs to be dealt with.
3 performances to help you confirm the goal
1.The other party never attacks you alone. There is always an audience around them, or they will murmur to others first, and then that person will spread the word.
2.You often ruminate on the conversation after the fact. It takes you a few hours to come up with a perfect counterattack. But at that time, you seemed to be frozen.
3.You began to apologize for no reason. Just to avoid their next unpleasant words.
If you tick more than 2 items, keep these 5 calm tactics. No quarrels, no losing your temper, no need to become as petty as them.
Method 1: Counter-question cycle
Core logic
When a mean person comes to trouble you, he has a script in his mind: if you are angry or wronged, he will make up for it. What you need to do is not to cooperate with the performance, but to forcibly change the script. You don’t explain, don’t fight back, don’t be emotional, just do one thing: let him finish everything he wants to say, then gently put the ball on the ground and turn around and leave.
Operation steps
In the first step, after he says something unpleasant, you look at him in a calm tone as if asking how the weather was today. You said: Have you finished speaking? Is there anything else you want to add?
In the second step, he may be stunned for a moment and say a few more words. Wait for him to finish talking and ask again: Is there any more?
Repeat this action until he shakes his head and says no. This process is very important, because in the process of continuous output, their energy will slowly leak out. He is aggressive at the beginning, and he will feel embarrassed later.
In the third step, after he confirms that he has finished speaking, you ask: So what effect do you want to achieve by saying this just now?
It is difficult for him to answer this question. If he wants to hurt you, he looks vicious. If it was a joke, he can’t justify the long complaints in front of me. Most people will hesitate.
Step four, no matter how he answers, you say: Oh, I see. Then you look down at your mobile phone or watch and said: I’m sorry, I have something to do. Then really walk away.
You don’t say he’s bad, and you don’t say you’re hurt. You just regard his attack as a task that needed to be completed. You helped him finish the task and then left. He will have a feeling of punching into cotton.
Examples of life
There is a neighbor downstairs of your house. Every time he meets you, he will say that you are not good at parking. One day, you meet him again. He said, “You parked the car crookedly last night and took up a little of my place.” Why do you always do this?
You stop and look at him: Have you finished? Is there anything else you want to say?
He said: Also, the color of your car is too conspicuous, and the lights are eye-catching at night.
You: Is there any more?
He thought for a moment: That’s all for the time being.
You: So what do you want me to change from what you just said?
He said: Can’t you park better?
You: Oh, I see. Then take a look at your mobile phone: I have a conference call. Then walk straight away.
You didn’t apologize, you didn’t promise to change, and you didn’t quarrel with him. But you have completely completed his attack process. The next time he sees you, he will hesitate to come again, because the last experience made him feel that you were a stone.
Method 2: Break the triangle and never let the other party have an audience.
Core logic
Mean people never fight alone. They will bring in third people, such as preaching, mocking in public or acting in groups. This is called triangulation. They do this because they have no reason to stand up. Once you are pulled into the triangle, you will lose. What you need to do is not to win the triangle game, but to get out of the triangle directly.
Operation steps
- Refuse to talk in a group. If someone voices his attack in public, you say: Let’s talk about this alone. Then leave.
- Only one-on-one communication. Don’t quarrel with the loudmouth in the group and don’t explain to the audience.
- Deal with the core characters completely coldly, that is, the gray rock method. No reply, no reaction, no revenge. It is like punching cotton.
- Build your own support circle. Talk to someone who is really on your side, and ignore those unkind voices.
Examples of life
A difficult neighbor asked your friend to tell you that your dog is too noisy.
Don’t explain it to your friends. You knock on the neighbor’s door directly and say to her alone: If you have a problem with my dog, please tell me directly without bothering others.
If she still wants to pull other people to judge, you can say: I only talk to you, with no third party. She suddenly lost her fulcrum.
Method 3: Pretend to be stupid, I don’t understand, what do you mean?
Core logic
Mean people are most afraid that you are not angry, not hurt, but confused. Because their attack is based on the assumption that you should be ashamed. If you sincerely ask what it means and you don’t understand, they will have to explain their malice clearly. And it is shameful to explain malicious matters in itself.
Operation steps
The expression should be calm, frown slightly, and your eyes should be sincere. Don’t roll your eyes.
Examples of speech skills:
- I don’t understand. Can you explain?
- Where is the funny point? I don’t understand.
- What you just said — what exactly does it mean?
Examples of life
Someone laughs at you at the party: How can you wear this to go out?
You look down at your clothes, and then look up at him: I don’t understand. Is there anything wrong with this dress?
He either says awkwardly, no, I was joking, or he stubbornly explains. Either way, his attack power has returned to zero.
Method 4: Boring statement, use your opinion as the background sound
Core logic
You don’t have to respond to his content. You just need to respond to the way he acts, like treating an irrelevant noise. Cover it with an emotionless sentence, and then change the topic immediately. This frustrates him more than any counterattack, because his core need is to be taken seriously. You don’t.
Basic template
- Well, your angle is quite interesting. But I don’t agree. Come on, let’s talk about the movie on the weekend…
- All right. By the way, what did you say just now?
- Thank you for your sharing. Then turn your head and talk to others.
Examples of life
Your mother-in-law said: Are you still doing that hopeless job?
You smiled: Well, your opinion is quite interesting. Mom, how is your book club going recently?
If she pesters you again, you can say: OK, I know. Let’s talk about something else. After three times, she will be bored.
Method 5: Time check-based exit
Core logic
This is the end of the whole operation. After using any of the above moves, don’t wait for him to fight back, but take the initiative to end the conversation. The way is not that you don’t quarrel with him, which makes you look like you lose, but that you check the time, and then you really have something more important.
Operation steps
- After using one of the above methods, the other party is silent or embarrassed.
- You naturally glance at the screen of your watch or mobile phone.
- Say: Oh, I have one more thing to do. Or say nothing and just turn around and leave.
The action should be natural, not as fast as running away, and not as slow as showing off.
Examples of life
After you made him speechless, you glanced at the lock screen of your mobile phone: I have a call to answer. Then walk out of the room. He stays where he was. I don’t know if you really have a phone call or are too lazy to pay attention to him. This uncertainty is the greatest punishment for him.
You don’t want to become a mean person. You need to use calm psychological skills to let the mean person find out that attacking you costs too much and the benefit is zero.
You don’t need to use all five methods. Choose the one you are most sure of. When you encounter a similar situation next week, use only that one. Observe the changes.
Then you come back and ask yourself: Does he dare to come again?
Probably not.
