Remember – there is a colleague in the company who usually doesn’t scold you or scold you, but as long as he stands next to your workstation, your palms are sweaty and you can’t type. Or there is someone in your circle of friends, and you don’t meet much, but every time you have to be entangled for a long time before dinner, and even start thinking two days in advance, “what if I can’t take that topic?” Or, you have an elder relative who doesn’t say anything important at the Spring Festival party, but as soon as you see him raising the teacup and clearing his throat to open his mouth, you will be stunned and restless.
Have you ever asked yourself a question: why do some people, who have done nothing to me, just be anxious uncontrollably?
Today, I will help you figure out why some people make you feel anxious, and share some ways to relieve anxiety.
Reason one: The other party makes you feel that “you will be evaluated at any time”
What you are worried about is not the person himself, but “what he might think of me”. You acquiesced in your heart that he was scoring you.
Specific scene
Workplace – When the leader passes by your workplace, you are so nervous that you can’t type. In fact, he just went to get water.
Life – The first time I met my partner’s parents, they were just chatting normally. You felt that they were secretly examining your every move.
- Workplace practice:
1. Replace “being evaluated” with “I’m doing something”. When the leader passes by, don’t think “Is he looking at my screen”, but immediately look down at the document in your hand and meditate in your heart, “I’m going to fill in this line now”. When the attention returned to the specific action, the sense of evaluation was dissipated.
2. Look at him in turn. When you are anxious, aren’t you thinking, “What does he think of me?” Then on the other hand, you go and observe him. I meditated on “the blue shirt he is wearing today” and “he is holding a thermos cup in his hand”. The perspective switches from “being watched” to “watching”, and the pressure drops immediately.
- Living practices:
1. Find a specific thing to do. When you meet the parents of the target, don’t sit and wait to be observed. Take the initiative to ask, “Auntie, I’ll help you with the food” or “Where do you put the tea, uncle?” I have something to do, so I don’t have time to think about “what they think of me”.
2. Take the initiative to praise the other party. When you are anxious, you are in the position of “being watched”. Break it and take the initiative to say, “Auntie’s bracelet is so beautiful” or “Uncle, the flower you raised is really good”. You are not the one who is being watched. You are the one who is socializing normally.
Reason two: The other party’s rhythm is completely different from yours.
The other party speaks quickly, reacts quickly, and jumps quickly. You can’t keep up with the rhythm, creating a sense of panic that “I was left behind”.
Common pictures
Workplace – A colleague asked you three questions in one breath, but you didn’t have time to answer any of them. He was already talking about the next thing.
Life – If a friend says “anything” and then rejects all your proposals, you never know what he wants.
- Workplace practice:
1. Shout to stop directly and get back to the rhythm. When colleagues ask three questions in a row, don’t say “Uh-huh, I’ll look back”, but say “Wait a minute, you just asked three questions, and I’ll answer them one by one”. Shouting to stop is not to admit defeat, but to control the field.
2. Just take one, and put the others aside. He said a lot. You don’t have to take it all. Choose the most critical one: “I’ll answer the first thing you said first, and I’ll reply to you later for the other two.” If you are not pushed by his rhythm, you will not be confused.
- Living practices:
1. Kick “Casually” back. My friend said “anything”, and you deny whatever you mention, so don’t guess. He said directly, “Then give me three options that you don’t want first, and I’ll choose from them.” Make the vague rhythm clear, and you won’t be led by him.
2. Take the initiative to slow down and don’t be afraid of the cold scene. The other party talks so fast that you don’t have to chase him. After you finish a sentence, stop for two seconds, take a sip of water, and wait for his response. If you are not in a hurry, he can’t push you with rhythm. It’s not terrible to be cold. It’s tiring to be pushed away.
Reason three: You can’t read the other party’s emotions.
The other party’s mood is cold and hot, his expression is blurred, and his speech is yin and yang. You lose the ability to predict, and your brain continues to call the police, “I’m not sure what he is going to do.”
Typical situation
Workplace – The leader said “O’s okay” with an expressionless face after listening to the report. You wonder if he is not satisfied for a day.
Life – friends or partners say “it’s okay”, but the expression and tone tell you “something is wrong, and it’s a big deal”.
- Workplace practice:
1. Ask the specific meaning directly, don’t guess the emotion. The leader said “o”, don’t think about it. Ask directly, “You said ‘okay’. Is there no problem and you can push it forward directly, or is there anything that needs to be adjusted?” The question is the truth, not the emotion. After he answered, you don’t have to guess.
2. Return the other party’s emotions to him. The leader’s face is bad. Don’t immediately think, “Did I do something wrong?” I told myself in my heart: “His emotions are his business, not my fault.” Then report your work normally, and don’t deliberately flatter or avoid it.
- Living practices:
1. Ask directly, but ask yourself, don’t ask the other party. The other party said “it’s okay”. Don’t ask “what’s wrong with you”. In other words, “I feel that you are a little different. If you want to say, I’ll listen. If you don’t want to say it, it doesn’t matter.” After saying that, you put it down and don’t digest his emotions.
2.Establish emotional boundaries without internal consumption. Every time you are anxious about the other party’s emotions, you meditate on a sentence: “I am me, and he is him. He is unhappy, not necessarily because of me. The other party’s mood is not your report card. You don’t have to get full marks in every subject.
Anxiety is not your fault, nor is it because you are too sensitive. Anxiety is your brain saying, “This person makes me not sure. I feel uncomfortable.” This alarm is good, but sometimes it is too sensitive. What you need to do is not to remove the alarm, but to learn to distinguish: is this a real fire alarm or someone lit a lighter next to you?
The next time you see the person who makes you nervous, you will say in your heart:
“You can exist, but I can control this game.”
