Heal Fast: how to stop overthinking after a breakup

You were showering when your mind constantly wandered off to the discussion you both had just a while ago, and you couldn’t help but think, “What if I had told him differently?” You rubbed your fingers against the screen of your cell phone, trying to think if you should delete the contact information of the other person, for maybe it had already stopped thinking about you and just went on with his life. As night came, you couldn’t sleep or stay still as everything you’d done with the person flashed before your eyes.

If you find yourself in this kind of situation, you do not need to be concerned since you definitely have company here. It may sound like an exaggeration, but overthinking about breakups is an everyday issue and you are not the only one doing it. What is important is to know that it is not only related to your brain processes, but also to the work of your nervous system. With the help of the right approach, however, you can manage to control your mind and keep going.

Why do you overthink after a breakup?

Getting dumped means that the fear of uncertainty is going to hit you from within your brain. Why is it that your brain goes into overdrive when faced with uncertainty? It is trying to get to that certainty that will put an end to the pain and show you how you are safe or alter those facts. But the harsh reality for you here is that if you are dumped or indeed there is nothing left in the relationship for you, then there is no certainty at all. And trying to be certain about something will only drag you back into the never-ending spiral of ‘what ifs’ that will only drain your resources, stall your healing process and trap you into your past. So what should you do about it? Stop trying to fix them and quieten down the part of you driving them. Here they are.

Filter “mental waste” with “three-question test”

Most overthinking after breaking up is useless, just repetitive and inefficient mental exhaustion. The three-question test is a simple tool that can help you distinguish between useful ideas and ideas that hinder your progress. Whenever a worrying idea comes up (for example, will they never miss me? Or did I mess up everything?), just ask yourself these three questions:

• Does this idea work? ( Can it help me heal, grow up, or make me feel better?)

• Is this idea true? ( Can I prove it, or is it just a fear or a guess?)

• Is there anything I can do to change it now? ( Is there any action that I can take today?)

If the answer to any of the questions is yes, then the idea is spiritual garbage. Discard it decisively. For example, if you think that they may have started dating someone else, you have been restless and unable to concentrate on your own things.

• At this time, you can ask yourself one by one: Does it work? It’s useless. It will only make you sad, distract you, and affect your normal life.
• Is this true? You don’t know; you are no longer in their lives, there is no evidence that they are dating, just your own speculation and fear.
• Can you do anything to change? No, you can’t control the other party’s life, and you can’t change the status quo that has been disconnected.

After thinking about these things clearly, tell yourself to put it down and turn your attention back to the current affairs (such as the work at hand and the clothes to be washed). This test will train your brain to stop clinging to uncontrollable things and focus on what you can control, your own healing, and slowly reduce useless internal consumption.

Arrange “worry time” to control overthinking

Trying to completely suppress thoughts will only make them stronger, just like pressing a beach ball under the water; it will only bounce back harder. On the contrary, give your overthinking a dedicated time and space so that it won’t take up your whole day. This is called planning worry time, which is a proven cognitive behavioral skill that can effectively reduce repeated recall.

Implementation process:

• Select a 10-15-minute window every day (don’t sleep while sleeping; you should not fall asleep with these thoughts) dedicated only to worry. For instance, at 3 p.m.
• In case of a sudden thought of overthinking outside the chosen timeframe, jot it down in your notebook and remind yourself that you will deal with it during the allotted worry session.
• During the allocated worry session, peruse your notebook entries and indulge in your thinking, feeling, and pondering as much as possible. Should you be in tears, feel free to cry. Should you wish to confide in someone, you may even write a letter (you won’t necessarily send it) to purge all the negativity within you.
• Once the alarm goes off, shut your notebook and do something else (like taking a walk, engaging in a hobby, or tackling a project). Remind yourself that you have given enough consideration to this matter already and now it’s time to move on from it.

This approach is good since it gives your mind a chance to tackle your fears, yet clearly defines boundaries so that these fears do not dominate your life. For instance, while you were working, all of a sudden you found yourself remembering the fight that occurred during your separation. It could not help but make you think that if only I had not retorted during those times, would we have separated? As you keep thinking about this, you find yourself unable to concentrate on working anymore.

• At this time, you can immediately stop thinking, write this idea in your notebook, and whisper to yourself: You will think about it again during the worry time at 3 p.m., and then force yourself to focus on the work at hand to avoid internal consumption affecting efficiency.
• When it’s time to worry at 3 p.m., you can take out your notebook and vent your emotions to your heart’s content. You can complain to the notebook, write down what you want to say to your ex, and even cry, and release all your grievances and regrets.
• When the 15-minute timer rang, you closed your notebook, got up to take a walk, drink a glass of water, and told yourself that I had paid enough attention to this matter, and now I could put it down.

After persisting for a period of time, you will find that the influence of these ideas is weakening, work and life will no longer be disturbed by excessive thinking, the worry time will become shorter and shorter, and the mood will become more and more peaceful.

Reduce “trigger contact” and reduce the triggers of overthinking

Your living environment is full of triggers that will spark overthinking, including photos of your ex, their favorite songs, places you have been together, and even their social media homepages. These triggers will activate your brain’s reward system, which is still longing for the relationship you’d lost, which will make you fall into the original internal consumption.

To break this cycle, consciously take measures to reduce contact with triggers:

• Unfollow or mute your ex on social media (it’s not necessary to delete them, just give each other a little space).
• Put physical objects (photos, gifts, letters) with memories in a box and store them in an invisible place (if you want to see them again in the future, you can take them out, but don’t do it now).
• Change your daily routine and avoid the places you’ve been to (such as your favorite cafes or parks) until you can face them with a more peaceful mind.
• Create a safe playlist to include songs that don’t remind you of them, and music that can calm you down or feel powerful.

It is not an attempt to avoid pain but to allow your mind some space from the constant intrusion of memories so that you may be able to heal. For instance, you will drive past the intersection that leads to your ex’s house daily. Each time you drive past there, memories will resurface of the times you used to pick up and drop each other. Had we not ended our relationship, we would be commuting together today.

• It is possible for you to act now and change the route for commuting, so that you do not pass by this intersection that can easily remind you of your past, which would prevent unnecessary fluctuations in emotion. Meanwhile, you should arrange those photos and conversations between the two parties and put them away in the drawer and place it at the back of the closet, thus preventing yourself from viewing them again.
• Besides, you can also choose to remove the songs that you love from your playlists in your mobile device, establish a safe list of songs, and choose songs that will help soothe you and motivate you, so that you will not be affected emotionally when you listen to them.
• If your friend suggests you meet in the coffee shop that you once met, you can decline and suggest meeting in a different location.

You will realize that at the end of a week, the frequency of thinking about your ex will be considerably lower. You won’t be distracted frequently because of the triggers anymore, and you can devote most of your attention to other things in your life, and their impact will begin to decrease. At this stage, if you meet any of those people, you won’t succumb to the triggers of internal consumption.

Finally, I would like to note that recovery is a personal choice rather than an endpoint. Overthinking after a relationship breakdown does not mean that you are fragile and unable to move forward; instead, this fact proves that you were concerned about your partner, which is completely fine. The techniques described above cannot provide you with immediate relief from pain; still, they can help to break away from overthinking and calm down your nervous system.

There is nothing wrong in your breakup experience itself, and you don’t have to come up with any solution for this situation. Instead, you should just give yourself time each day. In the course of the process, treat yourself gently, and you will recover soon enough.