I have a healthy long-distance relationship. He is very good and reliable, and he has never given me a real reason to doubt. But my anxiety is still crazy. He didn’t reply for hours, and my chest tightens. If he doesn’t update his status all night, I fall into the whirlpool of “he doesn’t care”. I know that I am irrational, which makes me more uncomfortable, because I am ashamed of my feelings.

I tried to convince myself not to think about it, I also tried to keep myself busy, and I also tried to learn from him to slow down to prove that I didn’t care. It was useless. I realized my anxiety was trying to protect me from something that wasn’t actually there. In the end, what really helped me was not to stop anxiety, but to do the opposite of what my anxious brain wanted me to do most. The following are the six paradoxes I have learned, as well as the small actions to break the cycle of each paradox.

Paradox 1: When I felt unimportant because of his slow reply, I stopped “trying to make myself important”.

My first reaction was to punish him with a slower reply, “Let’s see if the anxiety cycle loosens a bit.” As a result, it just made me look at my mobile phone more frequently. Then I tried to send more messages to prove my importance, but that made me feel needy.

So I tried the opposite. I neither waited for him nor tried to punish him. I just replied at my natural pace, as if I didn’t notice his delay at all. When I did this for the first time, my hands were shaking. But when I sent that message, something loosened in my heart. I don’t play games anymore. No matter when he comes back, I just am myself.

Next time you are waiting for a reply and are anxious and can’t wait to take revenge or reply in a second, reply at your usual pace. You don’t need to take a few minutes, and it doesn’t need to be fast or slow. That’s the normal you. Let’s see if the cycle of anxiety isn’t as tight.

Paradox 2: When he disappeared for a few hours and made me feel excluded, I no longer asked him where he had gone, but took the initiative to update my own state.

My anxious mind tends to question “where have you gone” or punish him with silence. Both make me uncomfortable. I tried another method. I sent a short, low-stress update about my own status. “I just got off work and I’m cooking.” There is no question mark, no blame, just a small window for me to enter his world. For the first few times, he didn’t reply immediately. It doesn’t matter, because I’m not waiting for a reply. I’m just sharing. Slowly, he would also take the initiative to share his status. It’s not because I asked, but because I made the act of sharing safe. The anxiety about his whereabouts did not disappear overnight, but weakened, because I no longer regarded his silence as a problem that needed to be solved.

When you are triggered because he is not online for a long time, don’t ask him where he is. Send a neutral update about yourself. “I’m ready to go to bed.” “Going out for a walk.” No question mark. It’s just a point in your life. You are not waiting for an answer, you are just connecting with yourself.

Paradox 3: When I doubt whether I really love him, I no longer try to prove to myself that “I love him”.

Every time he says something wrong, my brain jumps to, “Maybe I don’t love him.” Then panic sets in, and I start looking for evidence that I do. I play back the beautiful moments, and say “I love you” to test whether I am sincere. This kind of search makes the doubt worse.

The paradoxical practice is not to look for evidence anymore. I told myself, “It doesn’t matter if I’m not sure now. I don’t need to make any decision today.” I allow myself to stay in uncertainty. The first week was very scary. But after a few days, the doubt stopped screaming. It became a background noise that I could ignore. I realized that love is not a lasting feeling, but a choice even when I am not sure.

Don’t argue with doubt next time you have doubts. Don’t collect evidence. Just say, “Maybe, maybe not. I don’t need to know now.” Then do something physical. Wash the dishes or stretch. There will still be doubts, but they won’t control you.

Paradox 4: When I felt bitter and began to show indifference, I did the opposite. Even if I didn’t feel warm, I tried to be warm.

He was silent all day, and finally called, full of energy. I would feel angry and would just want to give a oneor twoword answer. That would only make me feel worse and push me away. I tried a method that felt fake at first. When he called, I said, “I’m glad to hear your voice,” even though I was still hurt. This is not a lie, but just a part of the truth. It’s true that I’m hurt, but it’s also true that I’m happy.

After a few minutes, my body began to believe in the warmth. The bitterness did not disappear, but lost its sharp edge. I learned that I don’t have to wait until I feel love to show my love. Sometimes the action comes first, and the feeling follows.

Next time you give a cold and short answer because you are hurt, take the initiative to add a warm sentence. “Thank you for calling.” “I miss you a little.” Just one sentence. You are not pretending. You just chose the part of your true feelings to say it first.

Paradox 5: When I want to pour out all my anxiety on my boyfriend, I write it down first and then wait 24 hours.

My psychiatrist told me not to discuss heavy topics by text message or phone call in a long-distance relationship, because the limited time spent together would become stressful. I hate this advice. I want to make it clear immediately. But I tried a compromise. Every time I feel anxious, I open my mobile phone memo and write down what I really want to say to him. Write it all down. Then I close the memo and tell myself, “If I still think this tomorrow, I can send it out.”

Almost every time, by the next day, the sense of urgency has disappeared. I either change the message to a short one or delete it directly. The memo has become a pressure reducer. I’m not suppressing my feelings. I just give them a 24-hour waiting room.

You can do the same. Open the memo or take a piece of paper and write down the complete anxiety roar, just like you want to say to him. Then close it. Wait for 24 hours. When you read it again, most of the time you will find that it was just emotional, not true.

Paradox 6: When I feel that distance makes everything worse, I no longer try to “repair the distance”, but try to let the distance work for me.

I always think, “If he were here, I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable.” This idea makes me feel helpless, because I can’t end the long-distance situation overnight. So I think the other way around. I asked myself, “At this moment, being in a different place, what can I do that would be more difficult if he were around?”

I began to use my time alone to do what I really like, not just to divert my attention. I would take a long shower and not look at my mobile phone. I would call a friend I had neglected for a long time. I would watch a drama that he would never like. I no longer regard distance as a problem that needs to be solved, but as a neutral reality. This change did not eliminate longing, but it prevented longing from turning into panic.

Tonight, don’t wait for him to call or check his last online time. Do something completely for yourself, something you wouldn’t have done if he were by your side. Take that time for yourself. The distance is real, but so is your life in it.

What happened after doing these paradoxical actions?

I still feel anxious occasionally, and he may take hours to reply or disappear into his own world. None of these have changed. What has changed is my reaction. The cycle shortened from three hours to thirty minutes, sometimes even five minutes. I don’t feel crazy anymore, because I don’t fight anxiety — I just do what it tells me not to do.

The biggest lesson I learned is that my anxiety tries to protect me from some non-existent danger, and it uses old tools to deal with new situations. I don’t need to kill anxiety, I just need to update those tools.

One thing you can try today

Choose the paradox that best fits your situation from the above, just choose one. If you don’t know which one to pick, try the second one. Try its method today. It doesn’t need to be perfect, just try it once. Let’s see if the cycle becomes shorter.

The last sentence: Do you think you are crazy because of this feeling? You are not. Long-distance love turns all the best parts of a relationship into hard mode. You just need a different set of ways to handle it. Try to do the opposite little action today.