A few days ago, I saw a netizen on the Internet saying: “My daughter is very clingy to me when she is 3 years old. As long as I leave her sight, she will cry to burst my heart and lungs. It’s useless to coax her. My son is 5 years old, and I am on a business trip for three days. He should eat, play and sleep. During the video, he said lightly that mom will come back early.” Someone commented below: “It’s so normal. Girls are inherently more clingy than boys, emotionally softer, and more dependent on people.” In fact, not only in the parenting circle, there is such a phenomenon everywhere around us. When we are in love, girls always like to ask “do you love me”, but boys think “you are too pretentious”; when they grow up, daughters will often video chat with their parents and talk to them, but most of the sons don’t report good news, as if they never need emotional companionship.

Everyone seems to acquiesce: girls are more emotionally attached than boys. But is it really like this?

A large number of psychological studies have shown that there is no significant difference between boys and girls in terms of emotional expression and attachment to caregivers in infancy. Boys will also cry for hugs, be anxious when their mothers leave, and be shy in front of strangers.

When did the difference start? From about two or three years old, the process of socialization is involved. The boy was told that “men don’t cry”, “what’s there to be afraid of this little thing” and “you have to be strong”. Girls are acquiesced as “can cry”, “can be spoiled” and “can be afraid”. This is a real overall trend.

Therefore, it is better to discuss that “girls are more emotionally attached than boys”: have we been teaching boys not to “cling” and allowing girls to “cling”?

Next, I will tell you how to break out of this misunderstanding from the most common expression of emotional attachment.

Performance 1: Different ways of expressing emotions

When encountering the same sad thing, girls are more inclined to cry, speak out, and seek comfort; boys are more inclined to be silent, avoid, and digest by themselves. This does not mean that the boy is “not uncomfortable”, but that he is trained to “not let others see me uncomfortable”.

If she is laughed at by her classmates at school, the girl will cry directly after returning home and tell her mother about the whole process, saying, “I feel so ashamed that I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.” But the boy usually said nothing and went back to the room and closed the door. The parents thought he didn’t care, but when he woke up in the middle of the night, he found that the light in his room was still on. He was building Lego alone, disassembling and disassembling, over and over again. It’s not that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable, but he is digesting it in another way.

If you are facing such a silent boy, don’t ask “what’s wrong with you” and “you say it”. You can sit down next to him and stay quiet for five minutes without saying anything about emotions. Before leaving, he said, “I’m next door. You can call me whenever you want to talk.” When he takes the initiative to open his mouth, just listen and don’t say “what’s so sad” or “you have to be strong”.

Performance 2: Different degrees of attention to interpersonal relationships

When encountering interpersonal conflicts, girls are more likely to repeatedly think about whether she doesn’t like me or “what I did wrong”; boys are more likely to pay attention to “what happened” and “how to solve it”. Because girls have been taught to be “sensible” and “to be liked by people” since childhood.

In the high school class, two good friends quarreled. The girl would think over and over again: “She didn’t have dinner with me today. Is she angry with me? Is what I said last time too heavy?” She may be restless all day. When a boy quarrels with his friends, he will think, “Why did he say that? Forget it. Let’s play the game and talk about it.” It’s not that Xiaogang doesn’t value his friends, but that he has been hinted since he was a child: pay attention to events and don’t worry about emotions.

If you are prone to ponder and over again, take out a piece of paper and write down three questions: Did the other party clearly say “I hate you” or “You are wrong”? Are there any other possible reasons? What exactly can I do now? After finishing writing, send a message or drink a glass of water to distract yourself. If you are used to “forget it and don’t think about it”: next time you encounter an interpersonal conflict, try to send a voice or text message: “I’m still uncomfortable, but I don’t want to lose this relationship. Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”

Performance 3: Different needs in intimate relationships

Many conflicts in love are like this: the girl says, “You don’t care about my feelings at all,” and the boy says, “I didn’t do anything wrong. What do you want me to do?” The girl is expressing a deeper need, while the boy doesn’t know how to notice other people’s emotions.

A couple living together, the girl worked overtime until late to come home. She was very tired and lay down without saying much. Her boyfriend was playing games next to her and didn’t notice that she was in a bad mood. The next day, we quarreled. The boyfriend said, “If you are tired, just say it.” The girl said, “If I don’t say it, you won’t ask.” This scene is so classic. Girls have been trained to be masters of “watching words” since childhood, and boys have been trained to be straightforward players who “say something directly”. The two people don’t use the same language system.

If you are a girl, next time you need the other person’s attention, try to say, “I’m tired of working overtime today and I’m in a bad mood. Can you come and hug me for 30 seconds?” Don’t wait for the other party to guess, give him an instruction that he can clearly do. If you are a boy, take five seconds to look at her expression every day when the other person comes home or you meet, and then ask, “You look a little different today, are you okay?” You don’t need to guess what happened, you just need to make her feel that “you are paying attention to her”.

Performance 4: Different reactions in the face of separation and loss

In these separation scenes, girls are often allowed to cry, confide in, and recall repeatedly; boys are hinted at “don’t show it” and “come out as soon as possible”. But it doesn’t mean that boys don’t have pain, it’s just that the form of pain is different.

After graduating from college, a couple of college students who had just broken up. The girl cried in the dormitory for three days, and her best friend took turns to accompany her. The boy was also uncomfortable, but he didn’t tell anyone. He devoted his energy to work and worked overtime until the early morning every day. Three years later, he drank too much and said, “I will still dream of her”. His friend thought he was fine.

If you are a boy, find a safe way to vent without facing others. You can go to the gym to play sandbags, close the door and shout a few times in the car, go climbing alone and sit on the top of the mountain for a while, and write a letter that will not be sent in the memo. If you are facing a boy, try to say, “I know you may not want to talk about this. But if you want to say it one day, I promise not to comment or give advice, just listen.”

Finally, I would like to remind you that:

  • Differences are real, but not necessarily innate.
  • It’s not that boys don’t need it, but they won’t want it.
  • The change starts from “allowing”.

You should understand that emotional attachment is not a weakness. It does not distinguish between men and women. It is the reason why human beings become human beings.