Have you ever been like this?
At 11 p.m., you’re lying in bed. The last time the mobile phone screen turned on was two hours ago.
This afternoon, a few friends went out, but they didn’t call you. When you saw the photos of their party while browsing Moments, you were stunned. You began to think: Didn’t he respond much when you talked last week? You sent a message in the group yesterday, and he only replied with an emoji… “Is he angry with me?” Or “Does he think I’m annoying?”
You turned over, and the more you thought about it, the clearer you became. If you want to find a real reason, as long as you figure it out, you can sleep at ease. But you think about it from 11 o’clock until 12:30, and nothing gets solved except for your faster heartbeat.
You are not the only one like this. In the United States, a survey of 2,000 adults showed that more than half of them delayed falling asleep for over an hour at least twice a week because of “interpersonal speculation.” And “misunderstanding a friend’s intentions” is the most painful, because there’s no answer, but you desperately want one.
But the good news is that you don’t need to find the answer. You only need to answer in a different way.
Why can’t you sleep the more you think about it?
After lying down, your brain keeps replaying the embarrassing or unresolved things from the past, and the more you think about it, the more you can’t sleep? Behind this is actually the self-protection mechanism of the brain. At night, external stimulation is reduced, and the brain enters the default mode network, beginning to reflect and sort out problems, especially unresolved social doubts. Negative deviation makes it easier for us to remember the details of anxiety, and the emotional regulation ability at night is weakened, causing anxiety to be amplified.
This is not the brain deliberately torturing you, but an instinctive reaction that tries to answer unresolved threats through reflection and thinking. However, the problem is that there are often no clear answers to these questions. No matter how much you think, the real answer is almost impossible to find. Instead, it makes the brain fall into an endless cycle of thinking, getting further and further away from peaceful sleep.
Today, I’ll show you exactly what to do.
Methodology: A 3-step bedtime process
The following process is customized for you. Please use your real situation – your friend didn’t invite you today.
You need: a piece of paper, a pen, and a small bedside trash can (or shredder).
Step 1 Write it down (1 minute)
Write down the sentence that keeps repeating in your mind as it is. It doesn’t matter if the handwriting is scribbled, and it doesn’t matter if the words are clumsy.
Write down examples:”He didn’t ask me to join him today. Is he angry with me? Does he still think I’m annoying?”
Why do you need to write it?
Writing can turn a looping “brain movie” into a fixed and limited sentence. Once it’s on paper, your brain no longer needs to replay it to “remember” it.
Step 2 Rub it off (30 seconds)
Knead this paper into a solid ball and throw it into the trash can. You can exaggerate a little, and even say in your mind, “Well, your mission tonight is over.”
Why do you need to rub it?
This is a physical action to tell your nervous system: this topic has been removed from the night shift work list. You are not “evading the problem,” but arranging it to be dealt with tomorrow during the day (if you still want to deal with it).
Step 3 Say “I don’t know” (lie down and say it for 10 seconds)
Close your eyes and say the following sentence to yourself (you can say it out loud or meditate):
“Why didn’t he call me? I don’t know. Maybe he has other reasons, maybe he is really alienating me. But I don’t need to figure it out tonight.”
Why is this sentence useful?
Because your brain is asking an unanswerable question. When you give “I don’t know,” you are not giving up, but giving your brain a precise stop signal. It’s like saying to a dog that keeps hitting the door, “The door doesn’t open, don’t knock.” It will eventually lie down.
What if I still can’t sleep after saying that?
You can repeat step 3 and replace “Why on earth didn’t he call me?” with any other small worries from that day, like “Will I be late tomorrow?” or “Did I forget to reply to another message?” Respond with “I don’t know, I don’t need to figure it out tonight.” Repeat it two or three times, and your brain will gradually accept the new rule.
Tonight, if you can’t sleep because of a friend’s behavior with unknown intentions, try these three steps.
Don’t ask yourself to succeed once. I was only allowed to “knead off the note” for the first time, but I still thought about it for 20 minutes, which is also better than before.
