If you’re a chronic complainer, this is the wake-up call you need. Complaining feels good in the moment—it’s cathartic and rewarding—but it actually keeps you stuck.
Why Complaining Keeps You Stuck
When you complain about things you have no control over, you’re reinforcing helplessness. You’re telling your brain that you’re powerless, that the situation is permanent, and that there’s nothing you can do. That narrative drains your energy and makes the situation feel even worse. The problem isn’t the situation itself—it’s the story you’re telling yourself about it.
The First Step: Become Aware of It
The moment you find yourself complaining, the first step is to become aware of it. This is sometimes the hardest part. Complaining can feel so automatic that you don’t even notice you’re doing it until you’re already deep into the spiral.
The Next Step: Choose One of Four Options
Once you catch yourself complaining, ask yourself: what are my options here?
- I can accept the situation as it is. Make peace with what you cannot change.
- I can change the situation. Take action to make it better.
- I can leave the situation. Remove yourself from what’s not working.
- I can change how I see the situation. Shift your perspective on what’s happening.
Those are the only four options you have. Pick one and move forward. Acknowledge that if you keep complaining about this, you’re only going to feel worse. It’s not going to help you.
The Problem with “Should”
If you tend to complain a lot, you’ll also hear a lot of “should” language. “I should have done that. I should do this.” When you say “should” to yourself, it makes you feel terrible. Research shows that the language of “should” cuts off divergent thinking—you don’t think as clearly, you don’t think of solutions, you don’t think of options.
The Simple Swap: Move from “Should” to “Could”
There is one simple swap: move from “should” to “could.”
What could I do right now? You’re not committing to anything—it’s low stakes.
Grab a sheet of paper and divide it into two. On the left, write down your “coulds”—list all the things you could do in the moment. Then move into your “I will” list. Pick one, two, or three things that you’ve identified and actually take the step.
This is how you increase your autonomy. You bring your locus of control back inwards. And it’s so incredibly simple—and it gets you out of the complaining spiral.
Why This Works
Sometimes all you need in that moment is to feel powerful and to do something. When you take action—even something small—you remind yourself that you have agency. You’re not helpless. You’re not stuck. You’re choosing. And that feeling of choice is what breaks the cycle of complaining.
