Not a lot of people know whether they have standards or boundaries. And even if they do, not a lot of people have learned how to actually enforce them. Sometimes you confuse one for the other, or you confuse the entire concept altogether. If you think you actually have standards and boundaries, you might not. What you have are preferences. You have complaints. You have wishes. Standards and boundaries are a very different story entirely.
Standards vs. Preferences
Let’s start with standards. Saying something like “I want someone who’s loyal” is not a standard. Everyone wants someone loyal. That’s a given—it’s a bare minimum. If you’ve ever proclaimed something you want for yourself, that’s not a standard.
An example of a standard is: “I do not date people who repeatedly lie to me.” Do you see the difference? One is a wish—you want loyal people, we all do. One is measurable. You can actually see what it is that you don’t want. That is a standard.
If you’re struggling to figure out what your standards are, ask yourself: What behavior do I absolutely refuse to build a life around? The answer to that is your standard.
Another example: let’s say you value honesty. Your standard isn’t “I like honest people.” That’s a given. Your standard would be: “Anyone who consistently or repeatedly lies to me would be disqualified from being close to me.” That’s a standard because it’s actionable—it’s something that’s happening, and you know what you don’t want.
Boundaries Are About Controlling Yourself, Not Others
Boundaries do not mean controlling someone. Boundaries mean controlling yourself. The internet has this weird way of portraying boundaries as telling your partner “don’t do this, don’t do that.” That’s not what boundaries are.
Let’s use a famous example. When you say “I don’t want you talking to other people,” that’s not a boundary. That’s control. You’re trying to control another individual and what they do.
But if you say something like “If someone consistently disrespects our relationship, I’m leaving,” that is a boundary. A boundary isn’t about changing or controlling a person. It’s not even about them—it’s about what you would do. Your boundary will always revolve around you, not the other person.
Another example: if someone is being disrespectful and you tell them “stop talking to me like that,” that is not a boundary. You’re issuing a command. You’re telling a person what to do. A proper boundary would be: “If you keep talking to me that way, I’m going to leave this conversation and I won’t speak to you anymore.” That is a boundary.
A very important distinction: when you start making boundaries, you do not control the other person’s behavior. That is not in your control at all. The only thing you control is your behavior in response to theirs. Boundaries are actionable things you do when other people are crossing a line and you have to do something about it. If nothing is done, it’s not a boundary.
Enforcement: The Most Important Part
A standard without a boundary is weak. But a boundary without enforcement is a suggestion. If you do nothing about your boundaries, and all you do is set them, they’re literally a suggestion—and you’re telling the other person they don’t have to take you seriously.
If you keep telling someone “don’t do that” and they keep doing it, and you keep showing them that nothing’s going to happen, you’re teaching them that it’s okay. It’s okay to disrespect you. It’s okay because you’re not going to do anything about it. You’re teaching people your boundaries aren’t real.
I get how that sounds harsh, but it’s the reality. If there is no consequence to the things you proclaim or express, you are giving people a free pass to disrespect you. People learn what you tolerate, not what you say. If you tolerate constant disrespect, that will register in their head—that is what they will see.
But if you don’t do anything to back up the things you say, they have no real reason to take you seriously. Heck, you don’t even take yourself seriously.
A Real Example
Imagine you’re in a friend group, and there’s a friend who consistently makes fun of you. You tell them “stop that,” but everyone keeps laughing. You say it again, they do it again. If you constantly let this pattern happen, they will continue. That’s why they are continuing.
You need to shut that down. You need to be able to say: “I clearly don’t want this. And if you do this, I will not be a part of this circle. I will not be a part of this environment.” Because if you keep letting it happen, you have now let people know your boundaries are not real.
Bringing It All Together
Identify the behaviors you refuse to build your life around—that is your standard. The things you won’t tolerate—that’s your standard. Then decide what you do if it continues. If you express something you don’t like and the person consistently keeps doing it and you do nothing, you’re letting that boundary slide. Do something about it. That is your boundary.
To enforce something, you have to follow through. I know it’s hard. I know it sucks. Confrontation might not be the easiest thing, but that is your self-respect on the line. You have to speak up for yourself. You have to stand firm. That is the enforcement.
Standards decide who gets access to you. Boundaries decide how that access is maintained. And enforcement decides whether people believe you or take you seriously.
