I remember sitting in a crowded coffee shop a few years ago, watching a friend across the table. She was mid-story about her new boyfriend. He ran a startup. He had a corner office. He flew to Singapore on a whim.
Her eyes lit up when she described him.
I asked her a simple question. “Do you actually like him?”
She paused. Then she laughed, a little embarrassed. “I don’t know,” she said. “But I love how he walks into a room.”
That moment stuck with me. Because it made me wonder: why do we so often confuse the way someone makes us feel with who they actually are?
Why Power Pulls Us In
Power signals safety, at least that’s what our brain thinks. When we see someone who commands attention, who seems unbothered by uncertainty, something primal kicks in. It whispers: This person can protect you.
I felt that pull myself once. I dated a man who was ten years older, deeply respected in his field. Being around him felt like standing in a warm spotlight. But I didn’t realize then that I was the one doing all the adjusting. I was shrinking my opinions, smoothing my edges, making myself easier to digest.
Power is attractive because it looks like stability. But sometimes, it’s just a polished mask.
There’s also social proof. When everyone else admires someone, we assume there must be a reason. We inherit other people’s attraction. It becomes contagious.
Are You Drawn to Power or the Person?
This is the question I wish someone had asked me earlier. Because the pull toward power feels like chemistry. But it’s often something else entirely.
Here’s a test I use with myself.
How do I feel about myself when I’m with them? If you feel smaller, quieter, or constantly performing, that’s not connection. That’s submission dressed up as romance.
What do I actually know about them? Not their job. What do they do on a lazy Sunday? How do they treat the waiter? If you can’t answer these, you’re attracted to the image, not the person.
Would I still feel this way if they lost everything tomorrow? This one is uncomfortable. But it tells you a lot.
When I finally ended that relationship, it wasn’t dramatic. It was quiet. I realized I had been dating a resume. And I was exhausted.
The Power Glow Test
Here’s a simple framework that helped me. I call it the Power Glow Test.
When you meet someone impressive, your brain gives them a glow. Everything they do seems smarter, funnier, more meaningful.
Step one: Write down three things you admire about them. Confidence. Decisiveness. Their ability to network.
Step two: Write down three things you know about their character. How they treat people who can’t help them. How they handle disappointment. What they do when no one’s watching.
Step three: Compare the two lists. If the first list is long and the second is short, you’re seeing the glow, not the person.
I gave this test to a colleague once. Her first list was easy. Her second list took her twenty minutes. She broke up with him two months later. She told me the test was the turning point.
Why Some People Are More Susceptible
People who grew up feeling uncertain, or who were taught that love must be earned, seem more drawn to power. There’s also a quieter pattern: sometimes we’re drawn to power because we’re tired. We want someone to take the wheel for a while.
A close friend went through this after a rough divorce. She told me, “I just wanted someone to take the wheel.” She fell for a controlling man. It took her a year to realize that handing over the wheel didn’t mean she was safe. It just meant she gave up her seat.
Admiration vs. Attraction
Admiration is healthy. Attraction is different. The problem starts when we confuse the two.
I admire my mentor deeply. She’s brilliant, direct, and accomplished. But I’ve never wanted to date her. That boundary is clear.
Here’s a question I ask myself now: Do I want to learn from this person, or do I want to be chosen by them? One is about growth. The other is about validation.
When I was younger, I wanted to be chosen. That desire made me ignore red flags. Now I ask: Does this person make me feel more like myself, or less? That question has saved me from a lot of trouble.
One Last Thing
My friend eventually married that startup founder. But she doesn’t light up the way she used to when she talks about him. She describes his schedule now. His travel. His stress.
Power is not the problem. The problem is when we’re drawn to power itself, rather than to the person who holds it.
Love is choosing someone on a Tuesday, when there’s no spotlight, no audience, no corner office. Love is feeling more like yourself when you’re with them, not less.
So next time you feel that magnetic pull toward someone impressive, pause. Ask yourself what you’re actually drawn to. The answer might surprise you.
