I was on a first date when he told me my role in marriage would be to submit to him. He said it casually, like he was describing the weather. I sat there with my coffee going cold, smiling because I did not know what else to do. I did not have words for what felt off. That is the thing about power dynamics in relationships. They are often invisible while you are inside them.
It took me years to understand what I was feeling that night. Not anger, exactly. More like a quiet recognition that something was being decided about me without me. And once I saw it, I started seeing it everywhere. At work. In friendships. In family dinners.
Quick Answer: How do power dynamics work in relationships?
Power dynamics are the unspoken rules about who decides, who adjusts, and whose needs come first. They become a problem when they are never named or agreed to.
Why Are Power Dynamics So Hard to See?
They are hard to see because they feel normal. Like air. You do not notice air until it is gone.
Dr. Jessica ChenFeng, a therapist who studies relational power, talks about this in her work on socio-emotional relationship therapy. The idea is that we absorb messages about our roles long before we ever sit across from a partner. From church, from family, from the culture we grew up in. By the time we are adults, those messages feel like truth instead of training.
My friend Elena grew up in a home where her mother handled every conflict silently. Elena learned that keeping the peace was her job. She carried that into her marriage. For years she thought she was just being mature. Then she realized she was exhausted and resentful and had never once said what she actually needed.
That is how it works. The dynamic is not written down anywhere. It just lives in the room.
What Does Unequal Power Actually Look Like Day to Day?
It rarely looks dramatic. It looks like small things, repeated.
Who apologizes first after an argument. Whose career gets to be the priority. Who decides how holidays are spent. Who gets to be tired and who has to push through. Who speaks in a meeting and who gets talked over.
My friend Marcus noticed it at work before he noticed it at home. In meetings, he would offer an idea and it would float past everyone. Then a colleague would say the same thing and the room would nod. He started counting. After two months he had a list. The pattern was not in his head. It was real.
Once he saw it at work, he started seeing it in his relationship too. He was the one who always adjusted. He was the one who moved his schedule. He had just never named it.
Where Do These Patterns Come From?
They come from somewhere. They always do.
For me, it came from growing up in a faith tradition that taught me to serve and never complain. For Elena, it came from watching her mother disappear into everyone else’s needs. For Marcus, it came from being told his whole life that he was “the easy one.”
Dr. ChenFeng writes about how culture shapes this. In her own Taiwanese American family, she learned that directly confronting her father would not be relationally appropriate. Not because she was afraid. Because the relationship itself carried a different set of rules. Respect, hierarchy, and care were woven together in a way that did not match the Western idea of just saying how you feel.
That nuance matters. Not every unequal dynamic is abuse. Sometimes it is culture. Sometimes it is love expressed in a language you have not learned yet. The work is figuring out which one you are in.
How Do You Start Naming the Dynamic?
You start small. You start with noticing.
Pick one relationship that leaves you feeling tired or small. Not the worst one. Just one. Now ask yourself three questions.
Who decides things in this relationship? Not officially. Actually.
What happens when I disagree? Is there room for it, or does it cost me something?
Whose needs get named first, and whose needs get assumed?
You do not have to do anything with the answers yet. Just write them down. Naming is the first move. Most people never get this far.
What Helps When You Want to Shift the Balance?
Here is what has worked for me and for people I trust.
Say the sentence out loud, even if your voice shakes. “I need us to talk about how we make decisions.” That is it. You do not need a speech. You need a doorway.
Ask a real question and then stop talking. “How do you see our roles?” Then wait. Let the silence do its work. The answer will tell you a lot.
Use I statements, not accusations. “I feel like I am always the one who adjusts” lands differently than “You never compromise.” Same truth. Different door.
Look for common ground before you look for agreement. You might both want the relationship to feel fair, even if you disagree on what fair looks like. Start there.
Know when to pause. If the conversation gets hot, you can say, “I want to keep talking about this, but I need a minute.” That is not retreat. That is care.
Decide what you need, not just what you want. Wanting things to be different is a feeling. Needing respect is a boundary. Know the difference before you speak.
What If Nothing Changes After the Conversation?
Sometimes it does not. That is real, and it hurts.
My friend Elena had the conversation three times with her husband before anything shifted. The first time he got defensive. The second time he went quiet. The third time he finally asked, “What do you actually need from me?” That question took two years to arrive. But it arrived because she did not stop naming what she felt.
That said, sometimes the answer is that the relationship cannot hold your full self. And that is information too. You are allowed to walk away from a dynamic that keeps shrinking you. You are also allowed to stay, if you can find other spaces where your whole self is seen.
What you are not allowed to do, at least not without cost, is pretend you do not notice.
A Small Practice for Courageous Conversations
Before any hard conversation about mutuality, try this. Write down three things.
First, what you actually want from this conversation. Not what you want the other person to admit. What you want for yourself.
Second, one thing you appreciate about this person. Even if it is small. It keeps you grounded in their humanity.
Third, one sentence you are willing to say even if your voice shakes. Write it down. Read it out loud. Then say it when the moment comes.
It is not a script. It is a spine.
One Last Thing
That first date ended politely. I did not see him again. But I think about it sometimes, not with anger, but with a strange gratitude. It gave me language I did not have yet. It taught me that mutuality is not something you hope for. It is something you name, and then build, one honest conversation at a time.
You are allowed to want a relationship where you are fully seen. That is not too much to ask. That is the whole point.
References
- ChenFeng, J., Kim, L., Wu, Y., & Knudson, M. C. (2017). “Addressing Culture, Gender, and Power with Asian American Couples: Application of Socio-Emotional Relationship Therapy.” Family Process, 56(3), 558–573.
- Knudson-Martin, C., & Huenergardt, D. (2010). “A Socio-Emotional Approach to Couple Therapy: Linking Social Context and Couple Interaction.” Family Process, 49(3), 369–384.
