Rules my fiance has when it comes to communication and arguments. We have been together for six years and I feel like we have mastered healthy communication, or at least our version of it. These rules go both ways, but I definitely needed them in the beginning way more than he did.
Rule No. 1: Be mad at me, but don’t insult me.
I am totally okay with anger, frustration, being annoyed—those are all normal human emotions. But feeling those things doesn’t give you a right to insult me. Doesn’t give you a right to be disrespectful and say hurtful things. So that is something I learned: even though I was angry, there was no reason to insult him. I can just communicate why I’m angry.
Rule No. 2: Be mad at me, but tell me why you’re upset.
This one I had to learn because I was the girl who was like, “No, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.” And then a week later I would have a breakdown. So it’s always: be mad at me, but tell me why you’re upset. Don’t expect me to be a mind reader. Don’t expect me to know why you are mad. If you are mad, frustrated, upset, annoyed—communicate that with me. Tell me why so that I can fix it.
Rule No. 3: Be mad at me, but don’t broadcast it.
This one was mine. Our relationship is not a community project. Not everybody needs access to it. We don’t need other people’s opinions. If we’re having an issue, you and I will figure it out. You and I will communicate in a healthy way. I feel like more often than not, it’s usually the girl who goes and tells everybody to get opinions. But looking back when I used to do that, it really needs to be between you and your partner. Those are the people that need to figure it out.
Rule No. 4: Be mad at me, but don’t forget all the good things about me.
When we’re angry, it’s very easy to forget all the good qualities and the good things that our partner has done for us and does for us. So just make sure that when you guys are mad, you do not let that erase all the good qualities that your partner has.
Rule No. 5: Be mad at me, but don’t forget all the times I have forgiven you.
Nobody is perfect, and grace goes both ways. When you are angry, it is very easy to forget all the things you did wrong and that you were forgiven for. It’s much easier just to point the finger and be mad and say, “No, you did wrong. You need to apologize. You need to do this.” So I think it’s very important to remember that both parties have been forgiven, both parties apologize for things throughout the relationship, and grace goes both ways.
These rules have helped us so much because good relationships—healthy relationships—are not built on never getting angry, but they are built on learning how to disagree without destroying one another in the process.
