Nobody wants to hear that they’re manipulative or controlling. But if you’re really ready to do this work and be on this journey, it’s something you’re going to hear a lot—because much of our codependent behaviors are actually rooted in manipulation and control.
Now, we’re not talking about the motive being negative. But just understand that they are actually controlling and manipulative behaviors. And on that note, I’m gonna give you a list of some ways that codependency uses manipulation and control to try to get needs met.
When we try to control other people’s moods.
Because other people’s moods control our emotions, we then try to control their emotions or moods. Let me give you an example.
Partner comes home, he’s in a bad mood from work. And I’m feeling really anxious because he’s kind of in a black cloud kind of state. So I’m anxious. I’m thinking to myself, “Did I do something? Did I say something wrong? I don’t really feel good. He’s not really acting to me like he usually does.” And so I’m now in my anxiety.
And so then I try to actually make him feel better. I try to make him cheer up. Not necessarily because I’m doing it just from the loving and the caring of my own heart, because I want him to be in a good place—but it’s actually based on my anxiety. It’s stemmed from, “I can’t sit with him being uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable because he’s uncomfortable.” And so in order to make myself not feel uncomfortable, I’m gonna try to make him feel better.
It’s not that it’s a bad thing to want to make your partner feel better. But when it’s coming from your own anxiety because you’re uncomfortable with them being uncomfortable, that’s when you know it’s actually from more of a manipulative, codependent place.
Offering unsolicited advice and direction.
This can many times come from a manipulative place. Again, I might not feel good that you don’t feel good. And so I’m going to try to fix you or problem solve, or tell you what you should do. “I think I know what’s better for you than you know what’s better for you, right?”
I need to feel like I am smart or that my advice is worth something or that I am worthy. And so I need you to listen to me and my advice in order to help me feel that way about myself.
We really need to look at the motive behind why we’re giving unsolicited feedback and advice. Not when somebody asks you for your feedback—but when you give it unsolicited. That’s the big difference here.
Becoming resentful when your help is rejected.
Becoming resentful or mad when your help is then rejected. In that same vein of giving unsolicited feedback, then we get mad. We give the cold shoulder. We stop talking to them. We get really pissed with them if they don’t take our help. Again, that’s a form of manipulation.
“I’m gonna let you know, just like my caretakers let me know growing up, that if you don’t do what I say, I’m gonna cold shoulder you—so that maybe next time you do what I say.”
