If you betrayed your partner, you need to understand something: you didn’t just cause them pain. You impacted their brain and their body and how they see you. Now this is both from a brain perspective and a felt perspective, and this is not a choice.
What is that new perspective? That you are a threat now to them. And yet they also feel like they need you because you are the person that they have been regulating their nervous system with.
The push and pull will be common amongst your relationship now. Meaning there will be times that they will lean into you and feel connected, and then they will be terrified that they leaned into you to feel connected. And this is gonna go on for a long time.
Your words mean nothing—your behavior is everything.
So how do you rebuild trust after betrayal? Well, it’s gonna be your behavior that has to change. Your words mean absolutely zero, zilch, nada, nothing. Because I’m sure while you were betraying them, you were also telling them how much you love them. You bought them things and you cared for them. So your words will not be anything to them. They need to see behavioral changes from you.
They need to see you getting in therapy and coaching and doing work to figure out why you would do this. They need to know that you’re not going to do this again based on your behavioral changes. They need to see that you are not going to shy away from where the roots are.
A lot of betrayed partners are very aware that there is unresolved trauma in their partner that has led them to do what they did. And I bet they’ve asked you about it multiple times. I bet they’ve encouraged you to go and get help for those things, and you didn’t do it.
Do the work for yourself, not just to save the relationship.
The next behavioral change that has to happen is that you are doing this work for yourself. Because at the end of the day, if you just do this work to save your marriage, it’s not going to last—because you’ll have another trigger down the line that will lead you to have to numb and escape the same way.
Growing yourself and emotional intelligence is going to be one of the key things that the betrayed partner will need to see to trust you again. If you continue to avoid their pain and their emotions, you are going to break down the relationship even further.
Because the trauma that has happened to them—one of the deepest roots—is the aloneness that they now feel in relationship with you. It is why it’s so painful. If you keep abandoning them emotionally, that tells their nervous system that you are not safe to trust. So you gotta grow emotional intelligence.
Full truth, no defensiveness.
Giving them the full truth—full disclosure of why you did this and what happened—is essential. Not being defensive will build trust for the betrayed partner. Defensiveness signals to the brain that there is a reason why you have to defend your position. It tells the betrayed partner that they are not safe.
So dealing with your shame and dealing with your defensiveness, and those automatic responses to relationship, are going to be key to building trust again. And it can happen—and it’s beautiful when it does.
