I started going to therapy to learn how to better manipulate men, and here’s what I’ve learned so far. The following are five strategies that are often used in toxic dynamics—not to teach you how to use them, but to help you recognize them if someone is using them on you.
1. Isolation: Convince Him You’re the Only One on His Side.
Whenever he gets into a small disagreement with a family member or a friend, you want to amplify it until their relationship is no longer a thing. In the long run, this makes it easier to control him because you become the only person he’s able to rely on emotionally. This tactic works by cutting off his support system, leaving him with nowhere to turn but you.
2. Devaluation: Build Him Up, Then Make Him Feel Unimpressive.
After building him up over several weeks, you start acting mildly unimpressed at literally everything he does. Not enough to start a fight, but just enough to make him think he has to earn back the version of you that he had access to a few weeks ago. This creates a cycle of craving your approval, which keeps him constantly striving and never quite feeling secure.
3. Guilt Tripping: Make Him Feel Bad for Not Anticipating Your Needs.
Never directly ask him for anything, but make him feel bad about not anticipating your needs before you spoke up. He will start going to great lengths to make sure you are always satisfied. The goal is to make him responsible for your emotional state without you ever having to ask—so he’s always guessing, always trying to please you.
4. Intermittent Reinforcement: Be Hot, Then Cold.
Be obsessed with him on Monday, but on Tuesday be completely unavailable. Continue to repeat this cycle. The goal is to confuse him. You want him to feel a sense of anxiety every time you text him—wondering if you’re sending a compliment or if you’re mad at him again. This unpredictability is what makes the good moments feel so rewarding and keeps him hooked.
5. Future Faking: Promise a Life You Don’t Actually Envision.
Even if you don’t actually envision a life with this man, you want him to think you do. Talk about marriage, kids, the life the two of you are going to build together. Make him emotionally invested so that he becomes financially invested. This tactic strings people along with false promises, keeping them attached to a future that will never come.
These are narcissistic abuse tactics. Understanding them is the first step to protecting yourself from them.
