They were never gonna tell you this. So I have to be the one to expose the truth when it comes to an avoidant.
Typically, when avoidants are dysregulated, they become deceitful. They become extremely sneaky. And you would never know it because, of course, this would tarnish their image. When they are regulated, they want you to still hold that image—that perception of them as a person of integrity, honest, only having eyes for you, completely your person with the intention of only doing life with you.
Why Avoidants Become Sneaky When They’re Dysregulated
That’s not always the truth, because a lot of avoidants start to look at options when they’re dysregulated. They realize that they still hold attraction for other people. They still have a secret desire inside. It’s not until they are completely convinced of your character—the character that they create when they’re dysregulated—that there’s a chance you’re not compatible.
And then they see the options, whether it’s online or at the store. There’s a small fantasy that’s curated, and they think, “Wow, that’s an attractive person. I wonder.” And maybe they stop themselves right then and there.
You have to understand something about most avoidants: they primarily operate from fear. The fear of inadequacy, that you may find someone else more attractive, more beautiful, more capable, more fulfilling. Those fears are incredibly damaging to your connection, and they’re counterproductive for the avoidant.
Why They Withdraw Affection and Seek External Validation
This is why avoidants struggle with lust. This is why they withdraw affection when they’re dysregulated. What they were never gonna tell you is who they become and what they do when no one’s watching.
The more time they spend experiencing those cortisol spikes and dysregulation, the more they are seeking a dopamine high. Most times that comes from desire, attraction, adrenaline—anything that’s gonna get them to feel distracted emotionally. You would never notice because they do it in private.
This is also why they can never fully stop searching for flaws inside of you. They need something to glorify their behaviors so that they don’t feel ashamed of themselves for doing what they’re doing in private.
Why Monitoring Them Won’t Change Who They Are
Here’s the hard truth: you have to let them. Even after you become aware of it, let them. Because the goal was never to catch them in the first place. Anyone can change their behavior or perform if they feel that they are under a magnifying glass. If you’re watching, they know who they need to be.
Monitoring them is not going to change who they are inside. Instead, you outgrow the version of yourself that would need to monitor them. You have to learn to stop personalizing what they do and who they become in private.
If this goes against your moral compass, leave. It’s your decision at the end of the day. But for those that want to stay, for those that want the connection and want to keep this person in this relationship: let them believe they’re deceiving you. Stay kind, stay yourself—actually become even better. Become your best self while they do these things in private.
The Hard Truth About Backup Plans and Private Behaviors
Most of the time, what they do in private are the exact things that they would leave you for. If you’ve realized that they haven’t truly closed the door on exes and old flings and situationships, that’s why. Those are people they don’t want to lose access to—their backup plans. That won’t force them to grow.
When avoidants want to escape something significant, they go where it’s easiest to feel okay and accepted. They’re not forced to grow. They just get to go back, have a good time, distract themselves, and keep moving on with their lives—never confronting the feelings of failure, shame, defeat, or heartbreak.
Trust Your Intuition and Recognize the Pattern
You’re not crazy. This is why it’s so hard for you to trust. If you’re a person of discernment and you actually rely on your intuition, you’ll realize there’s a reason you always feel afraid that they’ve got something going on. A lot of times we ignore our intuition and ignore the red flags because of how much we desire a person in the connection.
Avoidants tend to keep a lot of things private. Most of those things don’t align with the person you’ve grown to know and love. And if you were to ever do what they do in private, you wouldn’t have a relationship in the first place.
