When I say traumatizing your parents back is the only way, I really mean it. You either have to go no contact, or you have to give them a taste of their own medicine—or you will suffer with them forever[reference:0][reference:1].
They won’t change. They won’t change unless an act of God strikes them down. You must be that lightning.
You Created the Person Who Will Finally Hold You Accountable
My mother was unreasonable, so I had to become even more unreasonable. My mother was callous, so I had to become even more rough and callous too. My mother was rough, I’m rougher. My mother was mean, I’m meaner. My mother was crazy, I’m crazier.
You don’t understand: you create your own monster. You literally Frankenstein the person who will destroy you[reference:2]. That’s the cycle—when a parent consistently dismisses, diminishes, or invalidates their child’s experience, that child either breaks or becomes the mirror that reflects the pain right back[reference:3].
She Has to Go Through What I Went Through
I have to do her like she did me. That’s the only way. That’s how she learns. That’s her language—I have to speak it back to her.
You guys don’t want me to actually talk to my mum? You actually don’t want me to have a relationship with her? Because she has to go through what I went through. It’s the only way. She doesn’t learn any other way.
I can’t gentle parent my mother. I wish I could. I really wish I could gentle parent her[reference:4]. But you can’t gentle parent someone who never learned gentleness in the first place. You can’t use empathy to reach someone who weaponized your empathy against you.
Some parents only understand the language of consequences. And when a respectful tone didn’t work, sir and ma’am didn’t work, when nothing else got through—the only thing left is to let them feel what they made you feel.
When the Cycle Finally Spins Back
You can only pull on somebody’s heart for so long before it pulls back. And when it does, don’t act shocked that the person you raised finally learned to fight like you taught them.
Not everyone can go no contact. Not everyone wants to. But for some people, giving their parent a taste of their own medicine isn’t about revenge—it’s about being finally, fully seen. It’s about saying, “This is what you did to me. Now feel it. Now understand it.”
