If you got out of a relationship with a narcissist—or maybe you’re still in one—you probably understand everything logically. You know the relationship is toxic. You know it’s abusive. And yet you find yourself romanticizing that person. Romanticizing the relationship. This video is for you.
The Shame That Keeps You Silent
The number one thing I hear from survivors is: “I feel stupid for still thinking about this person in a positive way after everything they did to me.” That feeling can spiral into shame. You feel like you can’t even tell people what you’re really thinking because you think it sounds ridiculous.
Let me be clear: you are not stupid. You are not ridiculous. It’s not crazy that you’re thinking these things.
What You Were Conditioned to Do
Aside from the trauma bond, let’s not forget: you were gaslit and conditioned into focusing only on the good parts of the relationship—and editing out all the painful parts. You were conditioned to move on like nothing happened after they did the most painful things to you. Conditioned to constantly wait for the next high of the cycle, the next breadcrumb, the next glimpse of the person they were in the beginning. Conditioned to wait to be on good terms with them again.
You were conditioned to make it your 24/7 goal to please this person so you could get relief from the pain they caused.
How You Learned to Gaslight Yourself
Each time you made it to that next high with them, each time you activated the version of them from the beginning, you latched onto it. You immersed yourself in those moments because you never knew when they would disappear again.
You know what you had to do to immerse yourself in those highs? You had to start gaslighting yourself and distorting reality. Because they conditioned you to tell yourself: whatever painful thing they did wasn’t that bad. You learned to minimize it. To tuck it away and pretend it didn’t exist. You had to suppress all your real emotions and all your pain.
You got so deep in the layers of distortions and so deep in the trauma bond that even when you had a moment where you glimpsed reality, it was way too painful to look at. So you learned to take the parts that aligned with what you wanted to believe—that this person loves you, that you’re going to be okay—and kind of do away with the parts that didn’t align.
They gaslit you and conditioned you to gaslight yourself. They didn’t even have to work as hard anymore.
Why Memories Feel Distorted After You Leave
When you get out of it, the way this information was stored doesn’t just magically change. You’re left with surface-level memories of good times that are actually full of distortions.
Sometimes people say, “But we really did have a good time together.” And I get that. But ask yourself: what did you have to sacrifice on your end in order to have that good time?
Don’t just replay the memories and think about the chemistry, the laughter, and the deep conversations. Think about the things you weren’t allowed to bring up during that time. Think about how you had to walk on eggshells to make sure the good time didn’t turn into a bad time. Think about the painful things they did before that, that you had to pretend didn’t happen.
Look below the surface of the way it was stored.
You Are Not Crazy for Romanticizing It
You are not crazy or stupid for romanticizing it. That is literally what they conditioned you to do: pretend the bad wasn’t there and cling to the good. But in order to stop doing it, you do have to be intentional.
