Have you ever tried to have a hard conversation with a person and they freeze, say “I don’t know,” or completely reject the idea of the conversation? This video explains why they do it and what you can do about it.
Conversations like these require vulnerability, and you’ve probably had to drop your ego to talk to them about something—and it didn’t go well. That’s frustrating, and you probably think they don’t care. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. Regardless, each of these reactions means something entirely different.
When They Freeze
Most times you see this happen and you think, “Wow, they’re shutting down. They don’t want to talk to me. Why are they making this so difficult?” That’s not always the case. One of the most common mistakes people make is assuming that silence means guilt. That might be the case sometimes, but more often, them freezing just means they’re overwhelmed in the situation.
As much as you are trying to confront them, they are having a hard time processing everything you just said—every question, every confrontation, every statement. For them, they’re trying to find the words, manage emotions, and respond correctly all at the same time. For you, talking about feelings might be easy, but on the other hand, they may not actually know how to do these things. That’s a lot going on all at once.
What to do: Stop filling the silence. When you start asking more questions or making things feel harder than they should, that puts unnecessary strain on them. Give them a minute. Openly say, “Hey, I’m gonna give you a second. Let’s come back to this.” That’s the best thing you can do. Some people genuinely need time to think before they know what to say.
When They Say “I Don’t Know”
Most of the time, they’re not lying. When we confront someone and ask, “Why did you do this?” and they say “I don’t know,” instantly you think they’re lying. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes they genuinely don’t know.
For these people, no one has actually taught them how to identify their feelings. If they’ve never learned how to do this, there’s no way they’re going to be able to do it on the spot, on the fly, at your convenience. They know something’s wrong. They know you don’t feel good. They know they’re upset. They just don’t know why.
What to do: Rather than bombarding them with multiple questions, ask a simple, straightforward question: “What do you know?” Start from there—it’s a much easier question to answer. And if you still feel like things aren’t going right, you can always ask for space. You don’t have to hash things out in the moment.
When They Reject the Conversation Entirely
This might be the most infuriating part. They get defensive, change the subject, walk away, or flat out tell you, “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to talk about this.”
When this happens, we’re dealing with someone who is avoidant. Avoidance happens for one of two reasons: they’re scared of the conversation, or they don’t value it. Those are two very different problems.
If they’re scared, it’s usually because of past experiences—either with other people or with you—and they find it hard to be open or face those things because they fear certain outcomes. If they don’t value it, they’re telling you to your face that this conversation is not important to them.
What to do: Ask one question: “Do you need time, or are you refusing to have this conversation?” The answer to that will give you all the clarity you need. One deserves patience; the other deserves boundaries. When a person makes it very clear they don’t want to talk to you, you cannot force a conversation. That’s when you need to know your standards and enforce your boundaries.
The Formula
- If they freeze → give them space. They are struggling to process emotions and feelings all at once. You cannot force a conversation out of them.
- If they say “I don’t know” → help them explore. Ask, “What do you know?” and go from there.
- If they reject the conversation → figure out if it’s fear or avoidance. Understanding the reaction is how you get past the reaction.
Most people fail hard conversations because they react to the behavior instead of trying to understand what caused it. No conversation is hard when you want to have it with someone you actually care about—they might just be having a hard time.
