Today I’m going to talk about covert narcissism: what it is and how to spot it in people.
What Covert Narcissism Is
Covert narcissism stems from attachment wounding, and it’s incredibly common in our society. Understanding covert narcissism helps you create boundaries with these people and helps you understand that tightness in your chest and the feeling that something just isn’t right is very real—and you should pay attention to it.
1. Charismatic but Transactional
People with these traits can be very charismatic and charming, but at all times, their core focus is on their public persona and what other people think. Because of this, they’re in relationships with people that they can get something from. They’re not in relationships to give and take—they’re in relationships to gain status.
2. Dysfunctional Childhood
They usually had dysfunctional childhoods. Typically, they saw their parents fighting a lot. There was addiction, or they had very hands-off parents and there was a lot of emotional neglect. This is where they start to cope by creating what I call an alternate reality.
3. Living in an Alternate Reality
You’ll notice if you’re ever in a relationship with them, it’s almost like they’re not in reality—because they’re not. They don’t see things as they actually are. They see things through the story that they’ve crafted in their mind. It’s incredibly frustrating and draining because you’re never able to see eye to eye with these people.
4. Hypersensitive to Criticism
They have deep issues with emotional regulation. They’re hypersensitive to any type of criticism or feedback. If you share your feelings with them, they usually have these big reactions where their feelings consume the whole room. Eventually, you’ll end up walking on eggshells because you fear their reaction—or you just know they’ll never listen to anything you have to say.
5. Conversations Are Always About Them
All conversations center around the impact it has on them. They struggle with being on time and with respecting other people’s time. They often cancel plans last minute because they’re so focused on how they feel and what’s happening around them, not on the other person or the impact it will have.
6. Victim Identity
A lot of their identity is around being a victim. Victimhood is how they gain sympathy from other people and also how they control narratives. They get into this pattern where they’re always telling you stories about how they were wronged and who wronged them—as a way to control the narrative that you have about other people.
7. Dysfunctional Family Boundaries
Last, they usually don’t have any boundaries within their family. They often have a dysfunctional relationship with one or both of their parents that they don’t see as a problem. Most of their family relationships are codependent, but if you try to bring it up, they get highly defensive. These relationships can even sometimes be dangerous, because they reinforce their alternate reality, and family members support their behavior even when it’s wrong or it violates other people.
