You’ve been there. You’re in a disagreement with your partner. Things get tense. Instead of talking it through, you shut down. Or you get sarcastic. Or you start listing everything they’ve done wrong over the past three months.
It doesn’t feel like a big deal in the moment. It feels like protecting yourself. It feels like winning the argument.
But according to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, certain habits are so damaging that they can predict divorce with remarkable accuracy. And most people don’t even realize they’re doing them.
Here are five habits that will destroy your relationships — from a licensed therapist.
Key Takeaways (At a Glance)
- The silent treatment is a form of punishment, not communication. It creates distance and anxiety.
- Contempt — eye rolls, sarcasm, mockery — is the strongest predictor of divorce.
- Defensiveness prevents problems from being solved. You’re protecting yourself instead of working together.
- Avoiding difficult conversations doesn’t keep the peace. It builds resentment.
- Keeping score turns your relationship into a competition. Healthy relationships focus on teamwork, not winning.
1. The Silent Treatment
This is when you intentionally ignore your partner to punish them because they didn’t behave the way you wanted.
It feels like control. It feels like you’re teaching them a lesson. It feels like you’re protecting yourself.
But here’s what’s really happening. When you give someone the silent treatment, you’re not solving anything. You’re creating emotional distance. You’re creating anxiety. You’re making the other person feel rejected or invisible.
The silent treatment is an immature way of handling conflict. It says: “I don’t care enough about this relationship to talk through this with you.” And when it becomes a pattern, it can seriously damage the relationship.
I remember a woman who told me about her ex-husband. He would go silent for days after any disagreement. She’d try to talk. She’d apologize just to break the silence. She’d walk on eggshells, terrified of setting him off again. She told me: “I thought I was the problem. Turns out, he just didn’t know how to communicate.”
If you’re using the silent treatment, or someone is using it on you, recognize it for what it is: not a communication strategy — a control strategy.
2. Contempt
Contempt is acting as though you’re better than your partner. It shows up as eye rolls, sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or constantly putting them down.
This is one of the most destructive habits in a relationship. According to Gottman’s research, contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce because it reduces respect and emotional safety over time.
When you speak to your partner with contempt, you’re not just disagreeing with them. You’re saying: “You are beneath me. Your feelings don’t matter. You don’t deserve basic respect.”
A woman I knew used to mock her husband’s ideas. He’d suggest something and she’d roll her eyes and say “oh, that’s great, honey.” She thought it was funny. He felt humiliated. Eventually, he stopped sharing his thoughts altogether. The contempt had done its damage.
3. Defensiveness
Instead of taking responsibility for even a small part of a problem, you immediately make excuses, deny responsibility, or blame your partner.
“I didn’t do that.” “That’s not my fault.” “You’re the one who always…”
We’ve all done this. When we feel attacked, our instinct is to protect ourselves. But defensiveness prevents problems from being solved because both people end up protecting themselves instead of working together.
A friend told me about a pattern she had with her partner. Every time she brought up a concern, he’d say “well, you do that too.” Instead of addressing what she was saying, he’d deflect. They’d go in circles. Nothing ever got resolved.
One day, she said: “I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m just saying this specific thing hurt me.” That was the first time they actually had a real conversation.
4. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Many people think avoiding conflict keeps the peace. But unresolved issues don’t disappear. They tend to build up. The longer problems go unaddressed, the more resentment grows — making future conversations even harder.
It’s tempting to just let things slide. To tell yourself it’s not a big deal. To wait for the right moment. But the right moment never comes, and the issue doesn’t go away. It just festers.
I worked with a couple who hadn’t talked about a major issue for over a year. They both knew it was there. They both felt the distance. But neither wanted to bring it up because they were afraid of conflict. By the time they finally talked, the resentment had built up so much that the conversation was much harder than it needed to be.
Conflict is hard. But avoiding it doesn’t make it easier. It makes it harder.
5. Keeping Score
Healthy relationships aren’t competitions. If you’re constantly tracking who apologized last, who did more chores, or who owes the other person, resentment starts to replace teamwork.
Think about it. When you keep score, you’re not seeing your partner as a teammate. You’re seeing them as an opponent. You’re winning. They’re losing. That’s not partnership.
A woman I know realized she was doing this in her marriage. She would mentally track who unloaded the dishwasher, who took out the trash, who initiated sex. It was exhausting. And it was poisoning her relationship. She learned to stop keeping score and start communicating.
If you feel like you’re doing more than your share, talk about it. Don’t track it. Talk about it. And focus on solving problems together — not winning.
How to Break These Habits
If you recognize yourself in any of these habits, don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re not doomed. You just need to make some changes.
First, notice the pattern. Pay attention to how you react in conflict. Do you shut down? Do you get sarcastic? Do you deflect? Just noticing is the first step.
Second, take responsibility. When something goes wrong, ask yourself: “What’s my part in this?” Even if it’s just 5% your fault, own that 5%.
Third, talk about the hard things. It’s uncomfortable. Do it anyway.
Fourth, choose curiosity over contempt. Instead of rolling your eyes, ask: “Can you help me understand why you see it that way?”
Fifth, focus on teamwork, not scorekeeping. You’re on the same team. Act like it.
FAQ
Q: Is the silent treatment abuse?
A: In many cases, yes. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse when used as a punishment or control tactic. It doesn’t mean every quiet moment in a relationship is abuse — but when someone consistently gives you the silent treatment, they’re using emotional withdrawal as a weapon.
Q: Why is contempt so damaging to relationships?
A: Contempt communicates that you don’t respect your partner. It signals that you see them as beneath you. Over time, it erodes the emotional safety and trust needed for a relationship to survive.
Q: What if my partner is the one doing these things?
A: You can’t control your partner’s behavior. But you can set boundaries. You can name the pattern. You can say: “I notice you’re giving me the silent treatment. I’m not going to engage with that. Let’s talk when you’re ready.” If the pattern continues and you’re not willing to live with it, you may need to consider whether this relationship is healthy for you.
Q: How do I stop being defensive?
A: Start by noticing when you’re getting defensive. Take a breath. Ask yourself: “What’s true about what they’re saying?” Even if you don’t fully agree, there’s usually something true. Acknowledge that part. It’s much harder to escalate conflict when someone says “You know what, you’re right about that.”
Q: What if my partner and I are stuck in these patterns and can’t break them?
A: It might be time for couples therapy. A professional can help you identify patterns and give you tools to communicate differently. There’s no shame in getting help. It’s actually a sign of strength.
