Five signs you might be codependent, and then a five-step strategy to fix it.
Sign one: You feel deeply anxious about making decisions.
Sign two: You flip back and forth a lot between hot and cold, irritable and clingy.
Sign three: You have a hard time not just expressing emotion, but identifying emotion. The dominant ones you can’t identify usually are frustration, anger, guilt, or just this numb feeling.
Sign four: You oscillate between controlling and avoidant and quiet.
Sign five: If your partner’s mad, you instantly get mad in response, regardless of context. And then that’s followed by a lot of guilt. Or you just go straight to the guilt thing.
The real problem isn’t too much closeness.
Okay, how to fix it? Well, it seems like you would focus on self care, focus on self confidence, that you would kind of put some distance between you and your partner and to not need them as much. But that actually isn’t it.
Codependency isn’t about too much closeness with your partner. It’s actually not enough closeness. And that’s because codependency is an inward-facing orientation to building intimacy. “I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel okay, so I’m gonna come towards you in ways that regulate me.”
So here’s a five-step method for starting to untangle codependency and get closer to your partner.
The 5-step method.
After an episode of irritability or negative thinking or guilt, you’re gonna write down:
Step 1: What upset me?
Step 2: How did that make me feel unseen or unsafe? Because those are the main wounds under codependency.
Step 3: What do they need to feel seen and safe?
Step 4: What do I need to feel seen and safe? Then you’re going to share steps 1 through 4 with your partner.
Step 5: Collaborating on strategies to be able to come towards each other with this information.
A real example.
So let me give you an example. They want to go out with their friends, and then I get frustrated and cold, and I say something passive aggressive, like, “Fine, I guess I’ll just be here alone.”
Okay, so write down what upset me: I’m upset that they don’t want to spend time with me too. It makes me feel like I’m unimportant. Makes me feel like they secretly hate being around me.
What do they need? They need to be seen by their friends, and they need to feel that our relationship is safe while they attend to that.
What do I need? I need reassurance. I need some quality time too.
Okay, so then you share that with your partner. You go to them and say, “Hey, I felt really upset, and I was being passive aggressive and irritable when you hung out with your friends the other night. I was just worried. I was scared that you don’t really like spending time with me, or you just rather be with them than be with me. But I know that you need time with your friends, and I know that you need to feel like I’m okay as you’re spending time with your friends. I just need some reassurance sometimes. And I would also like to spend some quality time with you.”
That’s okay. And then, depending on how they respond, maybe you’re collaborating on ideas to get to spend quality time before or after friends. Or if they respond with a lot of anger or defensiveness, accusations, you might need to put up some boundaries.
