What does your apology say about you?
How people apologize says a lot about them. It says a lot either about their upbringing in childhood or it says a lot about their emotional regulation as an adult now.
Learning how to apologize — and learning how to do it correctly — is an important skill for any healthy relationship. Not just romantic ones, but with friends and family too. Everyone deserves to receive an apology if you did something wrong to them.
Key Takeaways (At a Glance)
- Some people over-apologize. They repeat “I’m sorry” multiple times, which can undermine the apology.
- Some people apologize when it’s not necessary. For things they don’t need to be sorry for.
- Some people use passive-aggressive apologies. “I’m sorry you felt that way” is not a real apology.
- Some people never apologize at all. They brush issues under the rug and expect you to move on.
- A real apology should never include a “but.” The reasoning doesn’t matter — you either are sorry or you’re not.
How People Apologize Says a Lot About Them
Some people profusely over-apologize. They say “I’m sorry” over and over, which can actually undermine the apology. If you say it once, I heard you the first time. I don’t need you to repeat it ten different times. If you are a person of your word, I’m going to believe that you’re sorry when you told me you were sorry.
Some people apologize when an apology isn’t necessary. They say “I’m sorry” for things that have nothing to do with them. They apologize for taking up space, for having needs, for not being able to do something. You don’t need to be sorry for that.
Some people use passive-aggressive apologies. “I’m sorry you felt that way.” “I’m sorry that you took what I said that way.” That’s never really an actual apology. It puts the blame on the other person instead of taking responsibility.
And then there are people who just never apologize. They never address the issue. They brush it under the rug and then they move on and expect you to move on with them because they were able to ignore the issue.
What a Real Apology Looks Like
A real apology should never include a “but.” I’m sorry, but… I don’t care about the but. The reasoning doesn’t matter to me. You either are sorry or you’re not.
If you’re sorry, leave it at that. You can say you’re sorry for what you did. You can say you’re sorry you won’t do it again. You can say you’re sorry for the impact that it caused. But you don’t need to give me your justifications or excuses. You don’t have to blame me for why maybe I feel some type of way about what you did.
Over-apologizing isn’t as harmful as never apologizing. People who apologize too much don’t heavily impact the relationship in the way that the people who are passive-aggressive or never apologize do. But regardless of which side of the spectrum you’re on, it’s still an important skill set to learn if you want to develop a good and healthy relationship.
Why This Matters
Learning to not be defensive, learning to be open, learning how to accept critique and accountability from those who love you, learning how to apologize, learning how to communicate properly with those that you love and care about — it’s a fundamental part of healthy relationships.
Some of these things are really small and arbitrary and don’t actually affect the relationship negatively. Right, like the people who are constantly apologizing even when you don’t need an apology. That doesn’t really heavily impact the relationship. But the people who are more passive-aggressive or never apologize? That does.
The One Book That Can Help You Communicate Better
If you’re ready to learn how to apologize correctly and communicate more effectively in every situation, Say it Right..Every Time. by Miles Carter is the book you need. It teaches you how to express your opinions with confidence, respond to others effectively, and handle specific situations like difficult conversations. It features numerous comparisons between effective and ineffective phrasing, helping you appreciate the art of language and learn how to communicate the right way.
FAQ
Q: How do you apologize correctly?
A: A real apology takes responsibility without excuses. Say what you did wrong. Acknowledge the impact. Don’t include a “but.” Don’t over-apologize. And don’t apologize when it’s not necessary.
Q: Why do some people never apologize?
A: It can come from insecurity, arrogance, or a childhood where they never learned how. They may see apologizing as weakness. But refusing to apologize damages relationships.
Q: Is “I’m sorry you felt that way” a real apology?
A: No. That’s a passive-aggressive non-apology. It puts the blame on the other person instead of taking responsibility. A real apology owns what you did.
Q: Can you apologize too much?
A: Yes. Over-apologizing can undermine the apology. If you say it once, I heard it the first time. You don’t need to repeat it over and over.
Q: What if I don’t know how to apologize?
A: Start simple. Say what you did wrong. Acknowledge the impact. Don’t make excuses. Don’t blame the other person. And don’t include a “but.” Practice makes it easier.
