“Express self-interested needs in a way that benefits others.”
I thought about this sentence for a long time. When I finally understood it, I realized how many disadvantages I had created for myself in social situations.
Most of the time, the problem is not that our needs are unreasonable. The problem is how we express them.
The same request can lead to completely different results depending on how you say it.
I think this is worth talking about because it affects almost every part of our daily communication.
Have you ever wanted to ask a coworker for help and said directly, “I need you to help me with this”?
They may either make excuses, agree reluctantly, or help you with a cold attitude.
For example, suppose you want a coworker to help you organize a data report. If you say, “I’m too busy right now. Can you organize this for me?” they may think, “Why should I? I’m busy too.”
But if you say, “If this report is organized well, our department’s presentation next week will be much more convincing. You’re stronger than I am at data analysis. Could we take a look at it together?” the other person’s feeling may be completely different.
This happens all the time in life.
For example, if you want to ask a friend to hang out on the weekend, you might say, “I’m so bored at home. Come out and walk around with me.”
Your friend may feel like you are only using them to pass the time.
But if you say, “I recently found a really interesting exhibition. I think it fits your taste perfectly. Do you want to go see it together?” your friend may feel that you genuinely want to share something good with them.
Another example: if you want your parents to worry less about you, you might say, “Stop managing my life. I can handle it myself.”
Your parents may feel that you find them annoying.
But if you say, “I want to practice handling problems independently, so you can feel more at ease when things happen in the future,” they may be more likely to support you.
I have noticed that many people express their needs entirely from their own perspective: what I need, what I want, what I hope you will do.
The biggest problem with this kind of expression is that it only shows the other person your need. It does not show them what value they gain by helping you meet that need.
People are naturally drawn to benefit. This is not selfish; it is human nature.
If someone cannot see why helping you is worth their time and energy, why should they invest in it?
For example, if you want your manager to give you a raise, you might say directly, “I think my salary is too low. I should get a raise.”
Your manager may think you are simply dissatisfied.
But if you say, “I hope to take on more responsibility and create more value for the team. At the same time, I would like my salary to better reflect my contribution, so I can be even more motivated to do the work well,” your manager may feel that you are also thinking about the company.
Or suppose you want your roommate to keep the room cleaner. If you say, “Can you stop being so messy?” your roommate will feel accused.
But if you say, “If we keep the room a little cleaner, it will feel better to live here, and it won’t be awkward when friends come over,” they may be much more willing to accept it.
Dale Carnegie said something in How to Win Friends and Influence People that left a deep impression on me: the only way to influence others is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
That sentence captures the essence of expressing your needs in a way that benefits others.
You are not manipulating people. You are helping them see that meeting your need can also serve their interests. That is a win-win way of thinking.
I have gone through a clear change in this area myself.
In the past, I was very direct. I thought that if I had a need, I should just say it. That felt honest to me.
But I kept running into walls. People either rejected me, or they agreed but did it halfheartedly.
At the time, I felt wronged. I thought, “I didn’t do anything wrong. Why is nobody willing to help me?”
Later, I wanted to ask a senior colleague for advice about career development. At first, I planned to say, “I’d like to ask you a few questions. Could we find a time to talk?”
But before sending the message, I suddenly thought: this person is so busy. Why should they spend time talking to me?
So I changed the wording.
I said, “I’m working on a project right now and have run into a few questions. I read some of the ideas you shared before and found them very helpful. If I had the chance to ask you in person, I believe it would be very valuable for my project. I also hope to share your experience with more people.”
The other person replied quickly and even suggested a time to meet.
That experience made me realize that this kind of expression is not fake. It is the ability to think from someone else’s perspective.
You have to learn to ask: what does this person care about? What do they need? What concerns might they have?
Then you connect your need with their interest.
For example, if you want team members to cooperate with your work, do not say, “I need you all to cooperate with me.”
Say, “If we do this project well, it will help the performance of the whole team, and everyone can learn something valuable from the process.”
If you want your child to study hard, do not simply say, “You must get high scores.”
Say, “Studying is about giving your future self more freedom to choose. Whatever you want to do later, you will have more ability to make it happen.”
Many times, our needs are reasonable. They just sound uncomfortable because of the way we express them.
A direct demand can make the other person feel that you only care about yourself. But a more considerate expression helps the other person feel respected and valued.
For example, if you want your partner to watch a movie with you, saying “I want to watch a movie. Come with me” may sound like an order.
But if you say, “There’s a new movie out that I think you might like. We haven’t gone out to relax together in a while. Do you want to see it together?” they may feel that you are thinking about the relationship, not just yourself.
The core of this communication style is sincere attention to the other person’s needs and feelings.
It is not just a speaking technique. It is a shift in mindset.
You move from “What do I need?” to “What can we both gain?”
You move from “What should you do?” to “How can this also benefit you?”
This shift sounds simple, but it requires you to step out of a self-centered perspective and truly understand and respect the other person’s position.
For example, if you want a subordinate to work overtime to finish a task, saying “You must stay late and finish this today” will almost certainly make them unhappy.
But if you say, “If this project is finished on time, it will help your year-end evaluation a lot. This experience can also help you build more skills. I’ll do my best to coordinate resources and support you,” they may feel that you are considering their interests too.
Or if you want to borrow money from a friend, saying “I’m short on money. Lend me some” may make your friend worry that you will not pay it back.
But if you say, “I’m dealing with a temporary cash-flow problem. I should receive payment next month. If it’s convenient, could you help me out? I can write an IOU and pay interest,” your friend may feel that you are taking the matter seriously.
Of course, expressing your needs this way does not mean pleasing others. It also does not mean hiding what you truly want.
It means learning to express your needs in a way that is easier for others to accept.
Your need is real. The other person’s interest is also real. What you need to do is find the place where the two meet.
This not only improves communication efficiency, but also makes relationships more harmonious.
Now, every time I am about to make a request, I first ask myself: why would this person agree to this? What benefit does it bring them?
How can I say it in a way that makes it easier for them to accept?
This habit has made my communication much smoother. It has also improved my relationships with the people around me because they can feel that I am not only taking from them. I am trying to create a win-win situation.
Many conflicts in life come from problems in expression.
The same need, when expressed selfishly, can create resistance and rejection.
But when expressed in a way that considers the other person, it can build cooperation and trust.
This is not hypocrisy. It is mature communication wisdom.
When you respect the other person’s needs, they are more likely to meet yours. That creates a positive cycle.
So the next time you want to make a request, pause for a moment and think about how to express it so the other person can also see the benefit.
Change “I need” into “we can.”
Change “you should” into “this can also help you.”
This small shift may bring unexpected results.
After all, truly skillful communication does not make the other person feel that you are taking from them. It makes them feel that you are creating an opportunity for both of you to win.
