This video did not just stumble across your page, because I’m going to teach you how to develop standards and boundaries.
Not a lot of people know whether they have standards or boundaries. And even if they do, not a lot of people have learned how to actually enforce them. Sometimes you confuse one for the other, or you confuse the entire concept all together. And sometimes both of them are actually non existent for a person.
If you fall under a category of people who think they actually have standards and boundaries—you don’t. What you have is preferences. You have complaints. You have wishes. Standards and boundaries? Very different story entirely.
Standards vs. Preferences.
Let’s use a base example so you have a grasp of what this concept actually means. Saying something like “I want someone who’s loyal”—that is not a standard. Everyone wants someone who’s loyal. That’s a given. It’s a bare minimum. If you’ve ever proclaimed something that you want for yourself, that is not a standard.
An example of a standard is: “I do not date people who repeatedly lie to me.” Do you see the difference? One is a wish—you want loyal people. We all do. One is measurable. You can actually see what it is that you don’t want to have. That is a standard.
If that still doesn’t make sense, or you’re struggling to even figure out what your standards are, ask yourself this simple question: What behavior do I absolutely refuse to build a life around? And the answer to that is your standard.
Another example. Let’s say you’re someone who values honesty. Your standard isn’t “I like honest people.” Again, it’s a given. It’s expected. Your standard would be: “Anyone who consistently or repeatedly lies to me would be disqualified from being close to me.” That’s your standard. Because that’s actionable. It’s something that’s happening. And you know what you don’t want.
Boundaries are about controlling yourself, not others.
Let’s talk boundaries now. And this is where I feel like the internet gets it wrong. Boundaries do not mean controlling someone. Boundaries mean controlling yourself.
The internet has this weird way of portraying boundaries to mean you tell your partner, “Don’t do this, don’t do that.” That’s not what boundaries are in any way at all.
Let’s use the famous example. When you say a boundary of yours is “I don’t want you talking to other people,” that’s not a boundary. That’s control. You’re not setting boundaries. You’re trying to control another individual and what they do.
But if you say something like, “If someone consistently disrespects our relationship, I’m leaving,” that is a boundary. A boundary isn’t about changing or controlling a person. It’s not even about them. It’s about what you would do. Your boundary will always be revolved around you, not the other person.
Let’s use another example. Let’s say your family, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, anyone at all is being disrespectful and rude to you. And you tell them, “Stop talking to me like that.” That is not a boundary. You’re issuing a command. You’re telling a person what to do.
Rephrase this as a proper boundary: “If you keep talking to me that way, I’m going to leave this conversation and I won’t speak to you anymore.” That is a boundary. A very important distinction with boundaries is that you do not control the other person’s behavior. That is not in your control to do at all. The only thing you control is your behavior in response to theirs.
Enforcement is what makes boundaries real.
This is the big one. This is the important part. If you get through the standards, you get through the boundaries, and you understand all of that—this is the part you don’t want to ever fail.
Because a standard without a boundary is weak. But a boundary without enforcement is a suggestion. Because if you do nothing about your boundaries, and all you do is set them, it is literally a suggestion. And you’re telling the other person they don’t have to really take you seriously.
If you keep telling your person, “Don’t do that, don’t do that, I don’t want you to do that,” and they keep doing it, and you keep showing them that nothing’s gonna happen—you’re teaching them that it’s okay. It’s okay to disrespect you. It’s okay because you’re not gonna do anything about it. You’re teaching people your boundaries aren’t real.
I get how that sounds harsh, but it’s the reality. If you are not doing anything, if there is no consequence to the things you proclaim or express, you are giving people a free pass to just disrespect you. People learn what you tolerate, not what you say.
Let’s use a really good example here. You’re in a friend group, and there’s this one specific friend or a group of them who consistently make fun of you. And you tell them, “Hey, stop that.” But everyone keeps laughing. You say it again, they do it over again. If you constantly let this pattern continue, they will continue. That’s why they are continuing.
So you need to shut that down. You need to be able to say, “I clearly don’t want this. And if you do this, I will not be a part of this circle. I will not be a part of this environment.” Because if you keep letting it happen, you have now let people know your boundaries are not real.
Bringing it all together.
Identify the behaviors you refuse to build your life around. That is your standard. The things you won’t tolerate—that’s your standard. Decide what you do if it continues. If you express something you don’t like and the person consistently keeps doing that and you do nothing about it, you’re letting that boundary slide. Do something about it. That is your boundary. To enforce something, you have to follow through on it.
I know it’s hard. I know it sucks. I know confrontation might not be the easiest thing, but that is your self respect on the line. You have to speak up for yourself. You have to stand firm. That is the enforcement.
Standards decide who gets access to you. Boundaries decide how that access is maintained. And enforcement decides whether people believe you or take you seriously.
