Why is small talk so awkward?
You’ve been there. You’re at a party, a networking event, or a work gathering. You’re standing next to someone you don’t know well. The silence stretches. You feel the pressure to say something. So you ask: “Did you have a good weekend?” Or: “Are you having a good time at this party?” They say “yeah” or “it was fine.” And then… silence again.
When it comes to small talk, most people focus on the wrong things. They ask about the past. About what happened. About what someone already did. And those questions are almost impossible to answer in a way that keeps the conversation going.
But there’s a simple shift that changes everything.
Key Takeaways (At a Glance)
- Don’t ask about the past. “Did you have a good weekend?” is a yes-or-no dead end.
- Ask about the future. “What are you looking forward to?” opens up the conversation.
- People feel judged when asked about the past. They worry they didn’t do anything exciting enough.
- Asking about what someone is excited about gives them permission to dream. Even if they don’t end up doing it, it’s still a great conversation starter.
- The world is their oyster when you ask about what’s ahead.
The Problem With Asking About the Past
When you ask someone “did you have a good weekend?” or “what did you do this weekend?” you’re putting them on the spot. They feel like they need to say something impressive. They feel judged. They think: “I didn’t do anything exciting enough to share.” So they say “nothing much” or “it was fine.” And the conversation dies.
That’s because you’re asking them to report on their life. You’re making them feel like they need to justify how they spent their time. Even if they had a great weekend, they might not feel like explaining it. They might not know how to summarize it in a way that sounds interesting.
A lot of times when you ask about the past, people feel the judgment of having to say something exciting. They don’t want to sound boring. They don’t want to admit they just watched TV and went to bed early. So they give you nothing.
The Shift: Ask About the Future
Instead of asking about what happened, ask about what’s ahead.
“What are you looking forward to this weekend?”
“What are you excited about?”
“What are y’all doing this weekend?”
“Anything fun coming up?”
Notice the difference. You’re not asking them to report on their past. You’re asking them to share their hopes. Their plans. Their excitement. Even if they don’t end up doing anything, they can still talk about what they’d like to do.
They can talk about a movie they want to see. A restaurant they want to try. A friend they want to visit. A project they’re working on. The world is their oyster.
This is the key to making small talk less awkward. When you ask about the future, you’re giving them permission to dream. To imagine. To share something they’re genuinely excited about. And excitement is contagious.
Why This Works
When you ask about what someone is looking forward to, you’re not just making conversation. You’re creating connection. You’re showing genuine interest in their life. And because they’re talking about something positive, the conversation naturally becomes more enjoyable.
It also takes the pressure off. They don’t have to impress you with what they did. They just have to share what they’re excited about. And almost everyone has something they’re excited about — even if it’s small.
I saw this in action at a networking event. A woman was struggling to connect with people. She kept asking “what do you do?” and getting short answers. She switched to “what are you working on that you’re excited about?” and suddenly people opened up. They talked about their projects, their passions, their dreams. She made better connections in an hour than she had in months.
What to Ask Instead of “How Was Your Day?”
“How was your day?” is the same problem. It’s vague. It’s yes-or-no. It puts the person on the spot.
Try these instead:
“What was the best part of your day?”
“Is there anything you’re looking forward to tonight?”
“What’s been on your mind today?”
“What are you excited about right now?”
When you change the question, you change the conversation.
Example Conversations
Old way:
You: “Did you have a good weekend?”
Them: “Yeah, it was fine.”
You: “Oh, cool.”
Them: “Yeah.”
Silence.
New way:
You: “What are you looking forward to this weekend?”
Them: “I’m actually going to try that new ramen place downtown. I’ve been wanting to go for weeks.”
You: “Oh, I’ve been wanting to try that too! I’ve heard the broth is incredible.”
Them: “Yeah, I’m so excited. Do you like ramen?”
Now you’re having a conversation.
How to Make Small Talk Less Awkward
Here’s the bottom line. Small talk doesn’t have to be painful. It doesn’t have to be awkward. It just requires a shift in focus. Stop asking people to report on their past. Start asking them to share their excitement about the future.
When you can ask questions about the doing instead of the done, you create space for real conversation. You stop treating small talk as a chore and start treating it as a way to connect.
The One Book That Can Help You Master Conversations
If you’re ready to go deeper and learn how to have better conversations in every situation, Say it Right..Every Time. by Miles Carter is the book you need. It teaches you how to express your opinions with confidence, respond to others effectively, and handle specific situations like job interviews and networking events. It features numerous comparisons between effective and ineffective phrasing, helping you appreciate the art of language.
FAQ
Q: Why is small talk so awkward?
A: Small talk is awkward when you ask the wrong questions. Asking about the past puts people on the spot and makes them feel judged. Asking about what they’re looking forward to opens up the conversation.
Q: What should I say instead of “how was your weekend?”
A: Try “what are you looking forward to this weekend?” or “what are you excited about?” These questions focus on the future and give people something positive to talk about.
Q: Why does asking about the past feel like judgment?
A: People feel like they need to say something exciting. If they didn’t do anything interesting, they feel boring. It’s easier to say nothing than to admit you didn’t do anything.
Q: Does this really work for networking?
A: Yes. Asking “what are you working on that you’re excited about?” is more engaging than “what do you do?” It shows genuine interest and often leads to more meaningful conversations.
Q: Can I use this with people I already know?
A: Absolutely. Even in close relationships, asking about what someone is excited about creates more engaging conversations. It’s a way to stay curious about each other.
