If your partner has called you defensive and you find that insulting, I get it. The things they share with you either feel like accusations, feel like they’re not your fault, or just leave you frustrated because there always seems to be another problem and another problem—and it’s never ending.
I used to be just like you. I used to be really defensive—one of those smart-ass defensive ones. The ones who would poke at every word they said and use them against each other.
The Real Problem Wasn’t What They Were Saying
What was really getting in the way wasn’t even what they were saying. It wasn’t even the fact that I was triggered. It was the urge to say something. My behavior was demonstrating that it was more important for me to share my thought than it was for me to listen to them.
The Rule That Changed Everything
Here’s a rule I created for myself that I think will be really helpful for you: allow for three urges to pass before you say anything to your partner when they’re sharing.
Here’s why:
The first urge is defensive. What they’re saying is already not including your perspective, and you want to share that.
The second urge is correction. Because they’re so in their feelings, it doesn’t feel true or accurate what they’re saying, so you want to correct them and add more perspective.
The third urge is shame. You’re not really ready to face what’s coming up, so you need to step in and stop them before this gets too overwhelming for you.
Let all three of those urges pass.
What to Say Instead
After the third urge, use this formula: validate their efforts, share what you’ve heard, and ask them if you understand them correctly.
Here’s an example:
“I can understand why that was hard for you. I appreciate you for trusting me enough to share this, even with all the arguments we’ve been having. What I’m hearing you say is this: [insert what that is]. Am I understanding you correctly?”
Why This Works
This is going to diffuse the defensiveness that they feel in you because now they at least understand that you’re listening—or you’re trying to understand better.
I’m going to overstep a little bit because I need to be honest with you: this is one of the number one things that will end a relationship faster than you can take a breath. They’re going to get frustrated from bringing up problems that never get heard, and you’ll get frustrated that they keep bringing up problems.
Give this a shot. It just might save your relationship and change its trajectory. Who knows—it might bring you closer than you’ve ever even been before.
