My father always used to say “Don’t let your feelings get the better of you.” He meant well. For years, I took that to mean: if a feeling showed up, I had to squash it before it made me do something embarrassing. I thought I was being strong. In reality, I was letting fear decide where I went, who I talked to, and which parts of my life stayed hidden. I didn’t see the trap until I heard a story that sounded like my own, told through someone else’s mouth.
Emma McAdam, LMFT, described it perfectly in a post earlier this year. She shared about a man who, for 30 years, never missed watching a BYU football game with his dad. After his father died, he stopped going. His reason? “I haven’t been able to get myself to go since then.” What he really meant was: I can’t go without feeling something. If I go, I might cry. And I have a rule inside my head that says you have to control your emotions. That single, silent rule had stolen something he loved. He avoided the game to avoid the feeling, and in doing that, he lost the game, the memory, and the connection. That’s the sneaky mental rule that stops you from learning how to stop emotions from controlling you. And it’s probably running your life, too.
Why Do My Emotions Always Seem to Control My Life?
The problem isn’t the emotion itself. It’s a quiet internal law many of us absorb early: “You shouldn’t do something if it makes you feel an uncomfortable emotion.” This rule sits underneath almost every avoidance habit. It’s so ordinary we don’t hear ourselves obey it.
Think about the man with the football. His logic went like this: Rule one, I must control my emotions. Rule two, if I might get emotional, I should avoid that thing. He wasn’t weak. He was a good man who wanted to do right. But by following that rule, he lost control over what he actually valued. He had to steer clear of a meaningful ritual just to feel in charge of his tears.
The same pattern shows up everywhere. You want to set a boundary but are terrified your voice will shake. The only way to guarantee a steady voice is to say nothing at all. So you don’t set the boundary. Your fear of appearing weak is now controlling your relationships. Or you’ve had a panic attack in a grocery store and now you ask yourself, “How do I shop without panicking?” The foolproof answer: don’t go. Soon you’re not going to the store, or the party, or the meeting. Fear writes your schedule.
That’s the cruel joke. The harder you try to control feelings by avoiding them, the more power you hand them. You build a cage, and then you lock yourself inside it, thinking you’re safe.
Emma McAdam calls this the sneaky mental rule because it hides behind phrases like “I’m just being careful” or “I don’t want to lose it.” But the result is the same: your life shrinks. You stop watching football. You cancel dates. You avoid deep friendships because you don’t want to risk heartbreak. The pain you’re trying to escape eventually controls your choices more than the emotion ever could.
How to Stop Emotions from Controlling You Without Avoiding Life
The first move isn’t to make feelings disappear. It’s to notice the rule and replace it with something more honest. You can influence your feelings through how you think, what you do, and the choices you make. But you cannot guarantee an emotion-free existence. Strangely, that’s the doorway out.
A woman named Rachael, who shared her anxiety story on McAdam’s show, put it simply. Someone asked her, “How do you go to the store without worrying?” Her answer: You don’t. You go to the store and worry. You let the worry ride in the passenger seat while you steer toward the milk and bread. She learned her anxiety shrank only after she stopped trying to eliminate it first.
The same paradox shows up with panic. If you need to be 100 percent certain you won’t have a panic attack in public, you have to avoid public spaces altogether. And then panic is running your life. But when you say, “I might have a panic attack, and I’ll survive it,” you take back the driver’s seat. You can learn to ride out panic without loving it, and that makes it less frequent. Not by fighting it, but by letting it pass.
Boundaries work the same way. Try setting one without a tremor of guilt or a shaky voice, and you’ll likely wait forever. The authors of the book Boundaries note that feeling a little guilt when you set a limit often means you’re growing. So you do it with a trembling hand. You let the guilt exist. You don’t let it stop your mouth. That’s the shift.
So the new rule becomes: “I can influence my feelings, but I can’t control them. I will allow uncomfortable emotions to be there while I make choices based on love, connection, and the life I want, not on avoiding discomfort.” That’s not a license to explode emotionally everywhere. It’s a decision to stop letting fear choose your path.
The “Feel It Anyway” Pledge: A Simple Tool to Loosen the Grip
After hearing the football story, I wrote down a few sentences I now say out loud when I notice myself avoiding something because it might hurt. I call it the Feel It Anyway Pledge. It’s not a mantra to chant mindlessly. It’s a counter-rule to the sneaky one.
The pledge goes like this:
“I am allowed to feel scared, and I’m still going to walk into that room.”
“I am allowed to feel sad, and I’m still going to love people who might leave or die.”
“I am allowed to feel embarrassed, and I’m still going to say what I need to say.”
The point isn’t to make the feelings vanish. It’s to prove to yourself, repetition after repetition, that you can have a hard feeling and not be destroyed by it. That builds self-trust. And when you trust yourself to handle your own insides, the emotions stop driving the car. They just sit in the backseat, making noise. And you keep your hands on the wheel.
What If I Cry in Public? Won’t That Make It Worse?
I used to think crying in front of people was the worst outcome. So I’d swallow hard and look away. The truth is, the fear of crying often locked up my throat more than the tears ever could. When I started letting myself tear up during tough conversations, I found something odd. People didn’t recoil. They leaned in. Some even looked relieved. They had emotions too. Showing a tear didn’t mean I lost control. It meant I was present enough to feel something, and still talking. That’s strength, not weakness. And if you worry what others think, consider this: they’re probably busy worrying about their own shaky voices.
How Do I Handle a Panic Attack Without Avoiding the Situation?
I’ll be blunt: you don’t handle it by trying to wrestle it to the ground. You handle it by shifting your goal. Instead of “make this stop,” you aim for “survive this moment and keep doing what I came to do.” You can slow your breath. You can name five things you see. But the core move is saying, “This sensation is terrifying and temporary. I’ve survived it before. I’ll survive it now.” Then you stay. Maybe you walk to the checkout with sweaty palms and a racing heart. That’s a win. Every time you let panic surge and fade without fleeing, you’re teaching your brain a new lesson: you are not in danger. Over time, the panic loses its citizenship.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I stop emotions from controlling my actions?
Start by separating the feeling from the behavior. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid will happen if I feel this?” Write it down. Then ask, “What do I actually want to do right now, even if the feeling stays?” Make a tiny move toward the value, not toward relief.
Can you learn to stop emotions from controlling you if you’ve been doing it for decades?
Yes. The man with the football is in his 60s. If he can choose to watch a game and cry a little, you can start small too. Pick one avoided task and pair it with the thought, “I can feel uncomfortable and still do this.” Repeat. The mental rule weakens with practice.
How do I stop anxiety from controlling me at work?
Anxiety at work often hides behind perfectionism and silence. The old rule says, “Don’t speak unless you’re certain you won’t look stupid.” The new rule says, “I will likely feel anxious and I will still share my idea.” The goal isn’t a calm voice. It’s a voice that speaks with occasional cracks and still gets heard.
What’s the difference between controlling emotions and influencing them?
Control wants total elimination. Influence says, “If I get enough sleep, move my body, and question my scary thoughts, my anxiety might drop a few notches, but it might not disappear.” You can influence your internal weather, but you can’t summon a permanent blue sky. Giving up control is what returns real agency to you.
One Last Thing
The man who missed the football game for two years finally went back last fall. He sat in the same seat, a hot dog untouched in his lap, and when the team ran out, he felt the sting behind his eyes. He didn’t stuff it down. He let a few tears fall. Somewhere in the middle of the third quarter, he found himself yelling at a fumble just like his dad used to. He later said it was the first time in two years he felt wholly like himself. He didn’t control his emotions. He included them. And in that, he got his life back.
