Do you seem to find yourself always feeling irritable or resentful at other people? Chances are, you may have some codependency in you.
To clear things up, codependency is very misunderstood. A lot of people think that it’s an overreliance or neediness on others, when in fact it’s just an overfocus on other people. And codependents have a very predictable cycle.
If you related to this first question, usually that’s your first red flag that you might be in that codependent cycle.
The caretaking phase.
What happens is codependents usually take on a caretaking role in their relationships. Now, this doesn’t always look exactly like caretaking per se, but it’s an overfunctioning and an overresponsibility for something else that is not your issue. You are maybe controlling or trying to manipulate someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviours. You’re taking responsibility for someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Essentially, you are neglecting yourself for the benefit of someone else. Or maybe you think that you’re being helpful or it’s what you want, but you’re not really in touch with yourself.
An example of this might just be that you say yes to going with someone somewhere that you don’t really wanna go, and therefore you’re taking responsibility for whatever emotions they might feel if you say no to them. That’s just one example of so many examples of codependency.
The persecutor phase.
So you caretake, and then the next part of the cycle is you become the persecutor. In other words, you start to feel resentful, irritable. “I do all of this for you and what do I get in return?” They often times feel underappreciated. This can then look like pouting or nagging, or the silent treatment or passive aggressiveness.
This means that you have hit that next corner of the codependent triangle.
The victimhood phase.
The third corner is victimhood. And that’s when we start feeling a lot of self pity and sorry for ourself. “All I do is help other people and what do I get in return?” The exact thing that you’re trying to avoid—which is disconnection from the world and in your relationships.
The cycle repeats.
Once you’ve completed the cycle, usually you start it right back over again—where you start caretaking so that you can be wanted and needed by other people. You strive for that connection, but really this just feeds the entire loop over and over again. The cycle can happen in minutes, and you can have many of them in a day, or it can happen in years, especially if you’re a parent or in a marriage.
How to check yourself.
So if you related to feeling resentful a lot, next time you feel that, ask yourself: Did I create this resentment myself by taking an overresponsibility for doing something that someone didn’t ask me to do? Or taking care of someone in a way that they didn’t need or want to be taken care of? This will tell you if you’re codependent or not.
If you find out that you are, recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it.
