This is a video I wish someone had shown me years ago. There is a manipulation tactic that 99% of women have experienced. The reason why it goes undetected for so long is because when it happens, you feel something is off in your body, but because you can never name it, it continues to work on you.
There’s a manipulation tactic called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. And once you can name it, you’ll see it everywhere.
Let me walk you through a real example. I had a conversation with a friend and she said, “Am I crazy? I had a conversation with my partner and I said, ‘Listen, I don’t like that you follow all your exes on social media and you regularly engage with their posts. It makes me feel embarrassed and I want you to unfollow them.’ And he said, ‘I don’t remember liking any posts. I’m barely on social media to begin with.’ So she pulls out her phone, she shows him the screenshots and he says, ‘Wow, I can’t believe you felt the need to do that. I guess I’ll just delete my Instagram.'”
This is called DARVO, so let me walk you through it.
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
She states her request. He denies it. When she confronts him, he attacks—playing the one that is being forced to the extreme. And then the big one: Reverse Victim and Offender. Now he is the martyr that is going to delete his Instagram account. She is the controlling girlfriend that puts him under the microscope. She asked him to unfollow four people, and she left the conversation asking for nothing and apologizing.
Not every overreaction is DARVO.
Now, not every overreaction is DARVO. People can get defensive, and yes, they can spiral. But if it’s again and again, and you notice every time you bring up your needs, you end up being the one that comforts them and you end up apologizing and completely dismissing what you were asking for—you are being manipulated. When it happens again and again, that’s emotional manipulation, and it quietly teaches you to stop asking for anything at all. And you begin walking on eggshells.
